I woke at 8 this morning, images and words still swirling nonstop in my head. I knew it was a bad idea to stimulate my brain too much; it doesn't like to sleep even if I do. It doesn't like to sleep even if I already am asleep.
So while having breakfast of hot chocolate and instant noodles, I picked up The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I started at around 9. I finished it at 12.
And in this moment, "I feel infinite".
The fact that I was supposed to meet with a group of former work colleagues because one of the members of our batch recently came home for vacation from her work in Dubai, and the fact that I decided to bail out because I feel it more important to stay home and get some rest and catch up on my reading and postpone my trip to the bookstore until tomorrow so I could spend time with my mother at the mall instead, feel strangely (but not that strangely, not really), significant to what the book was supposed to be about.
Am I wallflower? Perhaps. Am I standing on the fringes of life, content with the unique perspective it offers? Maybe sometimes, but not really.
"So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from here. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."
So far, I feel okay about today and things in general. Maybe not so okay, but I'm trying to get there. Over the last several months I've been struggling with a lot of responsibilities that sometimes I just automatically go on sleep mode just to get a break from it all. But from what happened yesterday, in which I had to literally rack my brains for ideas so I could write 10 lessons in a row that I should have already finished a week ago, I realized that I wasn't meeting things head on, which is contrary to what I told myself I would do. I took breaks from life when things got rough on my dreams, and that's not right. That's not me. I'm supposed to be the kind of person who is a fighter (thanks, Emel), who does what she thinks needs to be done to reach the goal. I'm not supposed to care for conventions. So, right now, I honestly don't think bailing out on a social activity to have time for myself is considered bad, and that this is just something that I think is the right thing do at this time, and I don't think that I'm being a cold person. I've stopped making excuses for my social incapacity; I can even say that I've been making progress in that area in the past few years, and I'm determined to be consistent about it.
In other words, I am fully aware that I haven't really been "participating" as much as even I would expect from myself, given the goals that I have. And I'm still trying to figure it all out, but in moments like this, I get to remind myself of who I am. And it's enough to make me feel infinite.
