Somewhere A Band Is Playing

Well, hullo there

2012-01-18T17:08:00.006+08:00

I stayed home today because I've been feeling really lousy. Things at work have been very stressful--not so much the work itself (I'm a web admin/operations and finance officer/planning assistant/in house writer-editor/marketing person, easy, and I've recently been supervising one marketing staff and one trainee to boot woohoo)--but the whole "team" atmosphere has been getting to me since the holidays. Lemme summarize:

Over the last couple of months, we got a new programmer, a new female marketing person, and two female on-the-job trainees. As you have noticed, the male-female-ratio is a little off. It wouldn't have been a big deal since that's always been the case in our team, but recently one of our old timers--a male programmer--has been basking in the abundance of female presence to the point of crossing certain boundaries. He has been chosen to be groomed for a supervisory position long before I came, but now he's acting like "let's all be friends and be happy, that's the true team spirit!", taking the new marketing person and the two trainees (who are all young and female) under his wing (the new programmer is pretty balanced so I have no problems with him). I, personally, don't care about who's close with whom. But the cheesiness and the lack of professionalism are just too much. The other day, the programmer guy even had the gall to interrupt me and get my trainee's attention while I was talking to her about a serious matter. Our supervisor had lectured him about these things countless times already, but he just wouldn't let go of his ideal team spirit. Needless to say, I lost my temper and snapped...which, I know, wasn't very professional either. He's been testing my limit since December.

And now the female marketing newbie has been told to resign because of low performance. I was involved in the evaluation because over the last year I've been taking over some marketing stuff (which is essential for my operations/web-admin duties) whenever the marketing position is left vacant, and naturally when she came, I became her sort-of supervisor. Our team supervisor had been consulting with me, and it's common knowledge that we've been friends even before I came to the team, so there's a feeling of "ganging up" and "power tripping" in the air. Of course, other people wouldn't know that I actually convinced my supervisor to give her another chance more than twice, and to just give her another position if she's really not working out anymore so she won't have to leave the company.

But hey. I'm tired of caring. I won't even care if they decide to boycott our "team" once they found out that our supervisor isn't even going to hire their favorite pretty little trainees as employees. I'll get my job done, save up, and travel. That's my plan for 2012, thank you.

On a lighter note, I got an Android phone with a Sun postpaid a couple of weeks ago, which I immediately regretted when I realized that I should have gotten it from Smart instead. I rarely get a signal when I'm at home and, with my dismal social life, don't really have anyone to use my postpaid on except my parents and my brothers. If it were Smart, I would get to use Facebook or Twitter anywhere. But now I can't give it back to my brother, who used his credit card for the plan, because I'm locked in for 2 years (2 effing years alsksjdhfk).

Recently, I found out how convenient it was to read ebooks on it--I could read even when my room lights are out (which means my father won't even realize I'm still up and reading) or when I'm on the bus and it's taking ages to pick up passengers. I could even download an ebook and read it there if I can't yet afford or find the real thing. So, I guess, it's all good.

And, oh, did I mention that I already have my ticket for the L'Arc-en-Ciel concert in Bangkok on March?

DUDE, I'M TOTALLY GOING TO A L'ARC-EN-CIEL CONCERT. After 10 years of yearning.

This. This is just too much for my ~~speaking~~ writing capacity at the moment. I. HAVE. NO. WORDS.

I'm going to a L'Arc-en-Ciel concert

2012-01-12T21:32:00.002+08:00

March 7, 2012. Bangkok, Thailand.

I ALREADY HAVE A TICKET, Y'ALL. ALSKDJFHGK!!!

Is all.

Today

2012-01-08T20:44:00.003+08:00

My family and I lost a pet, friend and family member…someone precious, someone beloved. He took away a piece of my heart when he left, but he will always be in it. He will be remembered. Forever.

Thank you, Maru. We love you.

Woot!

2011-12-31T14:40:00.000+08:00

Some people...

2011-12-27T08:00:00.002+08:00

...don't know how to give back.

True fact, that.

Hey, y'all!

2011-12-24T17:19:00.001+08:00

Yep.

2011-12-15T21:48:00.002+08:00

It's just one of those days when friends are hard to come by.

Oh.

2011-11-19T22:34:00.003+08:00

I think I've hit an all-time low. This is probably the first time in a long, long while that I have absolutely nothing to say. I'm not inspired. I'm not depressed. At least, not in the usual way in which I feel the urge to pour my heart and my brains out onto my online scribble places. Or on paper. Or something.

I just don't feel like writing anymore.

Bad, y/n?

Maybe I'm just still recovering from having the rug pulled from under my feet recently. By someone I care about the most. I seriously believe I had lost some of my ability to dream because of that alone.

I feel creative and excited once in a while; sometimes I look up at the sky and feel the old feeling of wanting to fly away. But they're mostly fleeting, days at most. I'm trying to figure things out, though, so maybe...maybe.

I'm just...so tired.

2011-09-11T16:11:00.000+08:00

Like, you know. Tired.

I hoard happiness.

2011-07-13T22:02:00.004+08:00

"The library smells like old books — a thousand leather doorways into other worlds. I hear silence, like the mind of God."

[A Certain Slant of Light, Laura Whitcomb]

Infinite

2011-07-09T12:53:00.005+08:00

I took a leave from work yesterday so I could finish all the things I had to write for the books that I'm working on for my part-time job. I worked for 14 hours, almost straight, with only about 30 minutes each for lunch and dinner, then occasional 3-minute breaks to rest my eyesight, get some cereal or put my face into a pillow. I slept at past 2am, with my personal target of 30 lessons ending up 5 lessons short. And I still had to make do with the other teacher's work to fill up the missing 10.

I woke at 8 this morning, images and words still swirling nonstop in my head. I knew it was a bad idea to stimulate my brain too much; it doesn't like to sleep even if I do. It doesn't like to sleep even if I already am asleep.

So while having breakfast of hot chocolate and instant noodles, I picked up The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I started at around 9. I finished it at 12.

And in this moment, "I feel infinite".

The fact that I was supposed to meet with a group of former work colleagues because one of the members of our batch recently came home for vacation from her work in Dubai, and the fact that I decided to bail out because I feel it more important to stay home and get some rest and catch up on my reading and postpone my trip to the bookstore until tomorrow so I could spend time with my mother at the mall instead, feel strangely (but not that strangely, not really), significant to what the book was supposed to be about.

Am I wallflower? Perhaps. Am I standing on the fringes of life, content with the unique perspective it offers? Maybe sometimes, but not really.

"So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from here. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."

So far, I feel okay about today and things in general. Maybe not so okay, but I'm trying to get there. Over the last several months I've been struggling with a lot of responsibilities that sometimes I just automatically go on sleep mode just to get a break from it all. But from what happened yesterday, in which I had to literally rack my brains for ideas so I could write 10 lessons in a row that I should have already finished a week ago, I realized that I wasn't meeting things head on, which is contrary to what I told myself I would do. I took breaks from life when things got rough on my dreams, and that's not right. That's not me. I'm supposed to be the kind of person who is a fighter (thanks, Emel), who does what she thinks needs to be done to reach the goal. I'm not supposed to care for conventions. So, right now, I honestly don't think bailing out on a social activity to have time for myself is considered bad, and that this is just something that I think is the right thing do at this time, and I don't think that I'm being a cold person. I've stopped making excuses for my social incapacity; I can even say that I've been making progress in that area in the past few years, and I'm determined to be consistent about it.

In other words, I am fully aware that I haven't really been "participating" as much as even I would expect from myself, given the goals that I have. And I'm still trying to figure it all out, but in moments like this, I get to remind myself of who I am. And it's enough to make me feel infinite.

Dumbledore in Japanese

2011-07-02T13:16:00.001+08:00

「歓迎会を始める前に、二言、三言、言わせていただきたい。では、行きますぞ。そーれ！わっしょい！こらしょい！どっこらしょい！以上！」

「Kangei-kai o hajimeru mae ni, futa-koto, mi-koto, iwasete itadakitai. De wa, ikimasu zo. Sōre! Wasshoi! Korashoi! Dokkorashoi! Ijō!」

“I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! Thank you!”

THIS IS MY ULTIMATE JAPANESE DREAM, YO.

Nuninuninuuu~

2011-06-28T21:58:00.005+08:00

Belated happy birthday to me, yo.

And, yes...

Good night, world.

This is where I want to be right now

2011-06-22T22:07:00.001+08:00

Wish you were here.

The List

2011-06-21T22:47:00.000+08:00

The Perks of Being a Wallflower (They got copies at National Bookstore!!! Screw you, Powerbooks!)

Japanese dictionary pocket edition (It’s really frustrating when I’m not at home or there’s no computer around and I badly need to look up a word because my dictionary is almost as big and heavy as a tombstone so I can’t carry it around with me all the time—alright, exaggerating about the tombstone thing, but still…)

A new pair of glasses. (Yes, even though I’ve been having headaches these past coupla days this comes in third. And no, I don’t need to sort out my priorities, Mr. Weasely.)

Love is a matter of...

2011-06-18T22:08:00.001+08:00

Love is a matter of difference
Between you
And me
Love is a matter of distance
But you are too far away

Love is a matter of growing
And knowing
True feelings
Love is a matter of showing
But you are so far away

When my heart is hoping
My mind is opening to find
That I can't let you stay
Though love is a matter of difference
You are too far away

Love is a matter of input
Outlook
Deep inside
Love is to know you're on my side
But you are so far away

When my heart is hoping
My mind is opening to find
That I can't let you stay
Though love is a matter of difference
You are too far away

[Tim Christensen]

Friday monologues

2011-06-17T21:06:00.000+08:00

Now that my father's and Miki's birthdays are over, I am back to wishing that the rest of the month will just pass by without much fuss. I don't like people mentioning my birthday almost everyday like it's a big deal because I know that it's not. I absolutely hate expectations. All the drama just gets old after a while. I'd like to just get through the day in peace. Ice cream would be great, but with my current financial situation I can't even afford that. It's just an ordinary day, like the day before and the next day. And that's that.

===

Speaking of my current "financial situation", let me just say that I'm broke. That's news because ever since I started my part-time job, I'm proud to say that I haven't been broke until recently. Long story short: I've been taking on more household responsibilities than before, so now I can't even buy myself a birthday gift. I was hoping to get myself a new book, but oh well. Life. I'll be working my arse off in the next few weeks. Perfect excuse to disappear from the face of the earth until my birthday is over, yes, but I also need the money and I have a deadline to hit. Once again, I've procrastinated long enough to the point of endangering my already endangered writing position (or, maybe, "aspirations"), but now that I'm having an allergic reaction to the world in general, might as well do something useful while I'm in self-exile. 'Tis a good thing that June 20 has been declared a non-working special holiday (in celebration of Jose Rizal's 150th birthday on June 19, in case someone's wondering). Extended weekend ftw. Yes.

===

Speaking of June 20, our team at work was supposed to "go out" to unwind, but I reminded my supervisor that I had a part-time job that I prioritize above social activities of any sort (be it personal or professional). So, instead, we had lunch at Amici today--company expense, of course. Good thing too, because the food is average at best. I will never cough up almost 300 pesos for a dry spaghetti bolognese. Loved those mozzarella frito things though (mozzarella sticks coated with batter, deep fried and served with marinara sauce; I thought "Giada de Laurentiis!" LOL). The Toffee Almond gelato prolly would have been nice too if I wasn't already so full when we bought it. It was a bit sweeter than I expected, but hey, I hardly discriminate when it comes to ice cream.

===

In other news, after almost a month of silence, this...guy finally replied to my message. No matter how bleak my financial and birthday prospects are at the moment, I had a reason to smile today.

Ho-hum

2011-06-11T13:45:00.002+08:00

I just finished cleaning my room. It never fails to amaze me how messy it always gets in a matter of two weeks. Maybe the time I don’t spend at work, on the road, at the doctor’s and at the bookstore I always spend inside my room, which pretty much makes up to almost 50% of my time (who needs a social life, eh). But 70% of that room time I spend in front of the computer and on the bed, but for some reason it still gets messy. Ho-ho. Mystery.

Anyway, I rearranged my desk so I can have more room to work and study with both the laptop and my reference materials, which, I now realize, are still all over place. The top of the bunk bed where I used to sleep when I still shared the room with my sister has now become an extra shelf space for my books, stuffed bears and jackets (yes, the things I have in abundance that I think are still not enough).

The sky is overcast; the air is comfortably cold. Right now I’m still thinking if I should take my bath now or later tonight. The jar of wafer sticks is unsealed. My Japanese movie download is 2 hours away, but I have an episode of Mukodono and a couple of Miyazaki movies on queue, along with 25 English lessons that I have to write.

A typical weekend. Yes, happiness.

Lost

2011-06-10T13:12:00.001+08:00

またしても私が迷ってしまった。どこにいるのか分からない。ここからどこえ行くのか分からない。ここは、どこにあっても分からないよ。今、私はどこにもないところにいる。

Tut tut tut~

2011-06-09T11:18:00.002+08:00

I'm staying at home today because it's been raining hard and nonstop since last night and traveling in this weather is not really my cup of tea. Although I have long since decided not to take any more leaves from work, I've thought about staying home since I got home last night. I just need a break from the world, and here's a perfect opportunity.

I also need to catch up on my writing and editing backlogs for my part-time, but my best friend, who also happens to be my boss for the English books, has asked me to edit her dad's business plan/proposal (I really have no idea what it is, to be honest). The presentation was supposed to be today so I passed the documents unfinished last night, but they informed me this morning that the meeting was moved to tomorrow and they're gonna be paying me if I finish the editing. So...OKAY!

Jpop in the Philippines

2011-06-03T21:17:00.003+08:00

What the fuck.

NO.

何があったの？

2011-05-29T21:51:00.001+08:00

最近、気分が悪いんだ。薬を服用してるから、副作用だと思う。前の水曜日に、仕事から休んだ。先週ずっと仕事に集中することができなかった。だから、金曜日きたとき、本当に安心したよ。

夜に薬を服用すると決心した。今、少し気分がいいんだ。

でも、仕事がたくさんあるよ！そして、もっと勉強しなきゃ！これからがんばるよ！

Drat

2011-05-20T23:04:00.003+08:00

I met a Japanese guy in chat. He's coming to the country to do a product demo for ABS-CBN. He asked me if I can speak Japanese. I think he's looking for a guide. It's going to be his first time to come here, so he needs someone who can help him with English and maybe show him around.

Drat. I really think he's looking for a guide. And I can't do it.

Because my Japanese is not good enough. Because my corporate social skills are not good enough (dude, that's ABS-CBN). And most importantly because my navigational skills and sense of direction are not good enough.

Heck, they're virtually nonexistent.

This is what I want to do, gaddammit! Why can't I be good enough for once???

On fangirling

2011-05-15T15:33:00.003+08:00

It's seriously baffling and disturbing how some fangirls actually live almost 99% of their everyday lives thinking about their idols. With the amount of time that they spend in Twitter, replying to almost every tweet of their idols even if the probability of those idols replying to them is ~~surely~~ almost nonexistent (basically because hundreds and thousands of other fangirls are doing the exact same thing, and also because the idols neither have the time nor the intention to read through each and every one of them, much less reply), or in Tumblr or Livejournal or forums or in front of the computer watching concerts and interviews or dramas or who-knows-what-else they do, I sometimes wonder if these girls still eat or sleep or go to school or go to work or basically do anything productive in their lives, or if they even have the intention to do so.

This is certainly not the case of the pot calling the kettle black. Although I have gone through a certain phase not too long ago, I feel it safe to say that I'm not a fangirl, never was, never will be. I'm still a fan of KAT-TUN, I still think Nakamaru is the coolest ~~dork~~ thing next to sliced bread, and I'm still, for lack of a better term, ~~hopelessly~~ in love with Jin ~~no matter how much of an asshole he is~~. I still watch Japanese dramas, I still ~~hoard~~ listen to a lot of Japanese music. I still want to watch L'Arc~en~Ciel (everything goes back to Laruku) , MONKEY MAJIK (just the thought of hearing Blaise live gives me spasms lol), Remioromen and Tomoyuki's band live, but I think the difference is that, take all of them away and I'd still want to go to Japan. I'd still want to go to Jinbocho and spend a whole day and everyday in the second-hand bookstores there. I'd still want to experience Japanese autumn and see cherry blossoms and go to the book fairs in Jinbocho and Kanda (the super duper geekfest combo for all book lovers *major spams to nth power*). I'd still want to read the Japanese version of Harry Potter which, I think I just have to mention, is the real, original reason why I decided to study Japanese in the first place.

I don't want to think that I'm judging. ~~And I'm certainly not saying that this is the main reason why I have vowed never to ship KPOP.~~ I guess what I'm trying to say is that, in my opinion, fangirling is surely an unhealthy habit.

Off the top of my head

2011-05-14T22:16:00.012+08:00

First of all, I think it's worth mentioning that I had finally signed up for an Ameblo blog account. To those who may not know (let's pretend someone is reading this), Ameblo is a Japanese blog host where most of the celebrities and ordinary Japanese peeps alike have blog accounts. Basically, I created an account for the simple fact that it's Japanese, and I've decided that it's high time that I stop being lazy and start studying and practicing Japanese again. Since I couldn't afford to enroll in the advanced Japanese module this month, I figured I will have to do it by myself in the mean time. I can barely remember anything from the previous module and now there's a lot that I have to catch up on. Technically, I can blog in Japanese here in Blogger or in my Tumblr as well as I can just about anywhere else, but I guess I want a little immersion, at least even in the online world (for now). The only downside is that Ameblo free accounts have a gazillion ads plastered all over the page, but then again the emoticons are irresistible . Anyway, がんばります！

===

I'm itching to reread Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Again. For the... *counts fingers* ... 10th time. Not much because the second movie is showing soon. But just because.

===

I always avoid ~~thinking~~ blogging about work if I can help it, but it seems that, being a "working adult", it's a big part of my life no matter what I feel about it. For one thing, it eats up more than 12 hours of my day everyday, including the tiring process of waking up so damn early and travelling to and from work for a total of 4 hours each day from Monday to Friday.

Work (my full time one, at least) has been humdrum at best, frustrating, repetitive, socially, mentally and psychologically challenging and dangerously absorbing at worst. Yes, when I say "absorbing", I mean it in a negative way.

Let's just say that you cannot really measure maturity by position, financial standing or age. Humans are certainly intricate beings; the way their minds work can be confounding at times, ironically because they can think and do stupid things that, considering their professional and even financial stature, they shouldn't be motivated to think or do anymore. This makes things unnecessarily complicated, but I guess that's the whole point. People do seem to have an innate tendency towards self-inflicted misery.

Or maybe they're just a self-righteous lot.

===

One other thing I've resolved not to blog about if I can help it is the topic of friends. To cut the story short--because I've also resolved not to go back to the details of my murky past if I can help it--I've always found it quite difficult to find the kind of friends who would stick around until my hair turns gray. At the moment, I can only count, off the top of my head, at least 4 who would. The rest have now given up trying to understand why I don't like beach outings, drinking alcohol or why I listen to Japanese music and almost nothing else. I mean, up until about 3 years ago I'd been stubbornly clinging to the ideal that true friends will love you for who you are, whoever you are, even if you're the type of person who spends an unhealthy amount of time reading books, watching Japanese dramas (Korean dramas are the in thing, man! Although there's something to be said about me being one of the first ones who got into Korean dramas while everyone's trying to get over Meteor Garden. By the time Kpop hit after the short-lived Pinoy band boom--of which I had gotten over as easily as MYX over-saturating the fans with a daily, multiple dose of The Day You Said Goodnight--I was back to Japanese music and had started working my way through all the Japanese dramas that I could get my hands on, and I am, once again, going against the grain.) and daydreaming about going to Japan and Scotland and back. Indeed, I was under the impression that true friends might scold your head off for resigning from your work for the nth time, not because they think you should try to be normal for a change and stay in the corporate world because it's the expected thing to do and all of them are doing just that and spending their salary on unnecessary gadgets and Starbucks, but because you need money to make your dream of going to Japan and publishing a book come true.

===

Now, on to the topic of identity.

To be quite honest, I've never really had any problem with identity. Although I sometimes struggle to keep up with or defy the impressions some people have about me, I guess the fact that there are things that I'm consistently and uniquely associated with says a lot about how I project myself. Most people, upon first meeting, often think I'm quiet and not very sociable and a little on the weird side. I might have improved somewhat, but those impressions have not changed since I was a child until now. Other things I'm associated with since the dawn of time and recently are books, Harry Potter, Japanese stuff and my obvious lack of romantic interest.

Well, I can't really put myself in a box with those impressions and define myself in specific number of words, but at the very least, I can say that, generally, I don't have a problem with my identity. I know what I like, what I don't like (clowns FTW evul things), what I want, why I do what I do. I write a certain way, I talk a certain way (heck, I walk a certain way, where I can trip over my own feet while walking on a flat surface). I might pick up words from other people, some mannerisms, but I use them without necessarily imitating them.

I don't really intend on copyrighting every damn expression that I use, but sometimes (especially when I'm feeling unreasonably bad-tempered at the whole world), it irks me to find people using some that they undoubtedly picked up from me and sounding like they had forgotten where they picked it up. There was a couple of people who used whole sentences that I said or posted somewhere. Like, wow, that sounds familiar. O_O One even imitates the smilies that I use FTW. And, sometimes I find myself not wanting to share the music that I like or the dramas that I watch, because there are some people who go, "I like this singer/actor/drama/whatever", like they were informing me about it because I didn't know. Like, dude, I introduced you to that singer/actor/drama/whatever. I'm probably the only reason why you like that singer/actor/drama/whatever in the first place. O_O

And now I'm wishing that I didn't say anything about this guy that I met online who is Japanese and a semi-celebrity because now some people want to talk to him too for the simple reason that he's Japanese and semi-famous.

I like Japan, you like Japan. I mean, alright, we can have some things in common, but seriously. ~~And yes, I do bloody want that guy for myself, thank you very much.~~

===

And now, before I transform into full mean mode, I'll stop now and work.

Rainy Days and Mondays

2011-05-09T20:44:00.004+08:00

This is one of those days when friends are hard to come by. This is one of those days when being alone by choice and by circumstance bothers me more than usual.

This is one of those days when I wish I'm not the sort of person who likes rainy days and gray skies and cold, whipping wind. This is one of those days when I wish I'm the sort of person that people will miss when they don't see or talk to me for a day. This is one of those days when I wish I was normal.

Oh.

2011-04-24T21:11:00.000+08:00

What the.

I miss you.

I miss you so much.

Crap.

Amazing

2011-04-11T12:05:00.002+08:00

It never ceases to amaze me how low a professional adult person can get when it comes to career and money. Or how envy and greediness can turn a person into a whiny, immature highschooler as easily as he can type a grammatically incorrect status in YM or Facebook dotted with a number of exclamation points that is as illegaly abominable as jejemonspeak. And how self-righteousness can spawn the most evil thoughts even in the most religious persons and give irony a new definition.

People's capability for the absurd is absolutely boundless.

*insert clapping emoticon here*

Caveman weekend

2011-04-10T10:30:00.003+08:00

One of my college friends is getting married today. Well, they said the wedding is at 10, so she's probably married by now. And yes, I was supposed to go, but I'm at home right now because I canceled at the last minute.

Believe it or not, I do feel bad for canceling, especially since when my friend Marlyn asked me yesterday why I thought I wouldn't be able to go with them, I put off replying to her text message until almost midnight. Thing is, I didn't talk, send any message or reply to anyone outside the house after lunch, when I went to full caveman mode. Only when I remembered that Marlyn is the only one of them left who's really close to me now and that I, personally, know how frustrating it could be to have someone not reply to your message, I sent her an explanation that I don't think made sense. But I hope she got the gist of it.

It's not like I didn't want to see my college friends. I do, believe it or not. But there's something about living in a house outside the city that makes me too lazy to venture out when I'm home. I mean, I'm on the road for a minimum of 6 hours a day. I only have 3 more Saturdays until I start another Japanese module, and I got tons of writing and editing to do because I've had writer's block for the most part of the last two weeks. But to be honest, I just really want to stay home.

Yeah, maybe that makes me a bad friend. Maybe when I get married not one of them will go to my wedding. Granted, the probability of me getting married is almost nonexistent, so the whole discussion is probably pointless, but still, I think it's worth mentioning that being a good friend hasn't exactly earned me extra special brownie points from anyone as far as I can tell.

But hey, it's just another caveman weekend.

No music, no life

2011-04-07T20:25:00.005+08:00

I think I've reached that level of dependence on music where I actually dreaded having to ride the bus without my phone (which I left at home this morning).

You see, I can live without a phone for a day or more. Seriously. If not for the fact that I use it as my music player and that I have a new Totoro cellphone charm (an omiyage all the way from Osaka yay) I would have long since gotten to the bad habit of throwing it inside my bag and forgetting about it. Granted, I do that sometimes, especially on weekends when I have music around the house; I only remember to unearth it on Sunday night or Monday morning when I'm supposed to go to work. But today, I realized that I would have to either start chaining the damn thing to my neck all the time or get a new music player (which I suspect I would chain around my neck anyway).

I know, I'm not normal. I mean, I download music in my office computer (which, basically, is against the rules) and have headphones on almost 90% of the day (except when I'm in a meeting), but when I got out today I literally felt depressed when I realized I would have to endure 2 hours of travel without music on. I had to make do with playing Monkey Majik's Forever in my head and attempting to ~~sing~~ hum it to myself, but I gave up and ended up sleeping on the bus instead.

I ~~need~~ want a new music player, but damn if I know where to get the money.

Huh.

2011-04-04T20:36:00.007+08:00

Some bastard opened my bag while I was making my way down the overpass. There was this woman who, for some idiotic reason, decided to teach her 3-year-old son how to go down the high steps during rush hour, so on my way down I got stuck for a while behind them. Thankfully, she had enough sense to notice the crowd building up behind me, so she made way, but before that I already felt something behind me. I quickly flew down the steps, checked my bag, and, yep, saw that two of the front pockets were open. I have to give the bastard some credit--he didn't immediately zone in on the small pocket on the very front, because he probably thought, who in her right mind would put anything valuable in that vulnerable spot? Unfortunately for him, I'm never in my right mind. My coin purse is always there, and just last Saturday I put a P500 bill in it (which, with a stroke of uncharacteristic brilliance, I transferred to my wallet last night). Although if the stupid woman didn't let me pass, the bastard probably would have gotten to the purse anyway. It was already open halfway. And yes, I'm calling her stupid and him a bastard. Screw me.

希望

2011-03-30T20:54:00.002+08:00

今朝虹をみた。

すべてが大丈夫になすんだね。

This.

2011-03-27T19:03:00.007+08:00

So I bought a book yesterday. Brand new, not a second-hand one. And it's worth almost P700. Not something to sneeze at considering that it's a mindless fiction, one of those feel-good stuff that I normally wouldn't have coughed up P700 for. But what the heck. I finished it in one sitting this morning. It's not like Hunger Games, which I read last Tuesday (in one sitting too), whose second and third book I'm impatiently waiting to borrow from my classmate in Japanese class. Come to think of it, I should have bought the damn trilogy instead of ordering two more mindless, feel-good fiction (which I suspect would cost me at least a thousand freaking pesos). But again, what the heck. I might just go to my favorite second-hand-but-looks-almost-new bookstore in St. Francis tomorrow and buy another Murakami to boot (which might cost me another P300).

If I'm going to end up with no prospects for the future whatsoever, might as well stuff myself up with books that I might be able to use in my writing. I mean, there are no prospects in that too, but heck, I'm left with almost nothing now. No possibility of going to Japan, of going anywhere with my ESL writing, or even staying in my recent company to rot in corporate (but easy) monotony. I'll just live in the moment, the future be damned. Right now, I'm just rooting for my sister to make it in Thailand. In a fit of final desperation, I'm ready to give up all my remaining hope for my future for hers. Just so she can take care of our parents when the time comes that I won't be able to. Needless to say, I'm prepared to live my whole damn life as a useless drifter and die with my face in the gutter as long as my I know my parents and the rest of the family are okay.

I'm not being emo. I'm just so damn tired. Bring it on. Whatever.

Alright, I get it.

2011-03-26T20:28:00.002+08:00

I don't know what I'm working for anymore. That's the problem. Well, it's not like I don't know what I want. I still do. It's just that, whenever I see a possibility and start to invest hope and time, it's taken away just like *snap* that. I mean, why bother? Seriously.

SERIOUSLY. Gimme a break.

Yo.

2011-03-22T17:13:00.006+08:00

This is one of those my-brain-is-spewing-out-totally-unproductive-random-stuff days, so please bear with me.

So I'm stuck at home at that time of the month. I also took a half-day leave from work yesterday, so now I've resolved not to take any more leaves if I can help it. I have a feeling that some people at the office are starting to comment. Although I personally don't give a hoot, I don't want to cause myself any problems now that I don't have anywhere else to go...yet.

You see, I've gone and gotten tired of things, so I'm taking an indefinite break from the world. I'll avoid human interaction entirely if I can get away with it, but the best that I can do at the moment is to detach myself from everyday drama and live inside my head for a while. I have a few friends around, but I honestly don't have enough energy to keep up with their optimism for the future. I'll get around to it, but at the moment I'm back to my books and Japanese dramas and lessons. I'm assaulted by one plot after another, almost every morning when I wake up, but my battered spirit needs to recuperate from Mr. World's endless beating before I can get my writing muse working again.

And really, some people are just being hopelessly redundant in their trivialities. It's amusing for a while, provoking sometimes, but at the end of the day, you realize that they just won't grow out of it. They're willing to waste their time in useless pursuits for self-gratification. I mean, there's this one guy who probably earns five times my salary, who gets bonuses from the clients he's working with, who's a genius with a lovely wife and two kids, who gets to work at home, and who's posting scathing comments on Facebook and statuses in Yahoo Messenger aimed at other employees, particularly another guy who has to work overtime almost everyday just to cover all his family needs.

It makes you think, right? But I don't want to think these days. Some people hasn't gotten tired of asking me why I rarely speak. I've told them a thousand times that the reason is simple--I don't speak because I have nothing in particular to say--but I guess they won't get it until they get over their discomfort. I think they really just don't want to be alone with their thoughts, with their fears. They don't want to deal with themselves alone, so they resort to superficial relationships.

I don't want that, so I wish they'll leave me alone. I'm on autopilot most of the day, and I tune everyone out with music. There's this Japanese band that has been around for years, but I only got the time to hear them last Sunday. And I'm in love. Life is good so far.

On hiatus

2011-03-08T12:09:00.002+08:00

I'm swamped with work - both full time and part-time. And I'm behind my studies.

Gotta go face the real world for a while. Will be back when I get a breather.

Please leave a message after the beep.

BEEP.

Say what?

2011-03-03T20:25:00.003+08:00

If imitation is the highest form of flattery, then either there's something about me that's worth uhm "emulating" or there's something seriously wrong with these people.

Why? Because I need to get a life...but obviously they need it more badly than I do.

Mumble, mumble

2011-02-26T17:52:00.003+08:00

I'm taking a little break from all the writing and editing.

Oh yeah, obviously, I haven't mentioned anything about it anywhere in this -- what the heck is this place now -- uhm, blog. But anyway, I'm doing some part time work writing and editing ESL materials for Japanese students. To sum it up: challenging, mind-boggling, frustrating, tiring, eye-opening, money.

YEHESSS. Money, yo. I'm earning extra money doing what I've always wanted to do.

Life is good = Y / N?

So far, so-and-so. My first pay had all but gone down the drain (so many things to paaaay ftw), but at least there's one good thing that's come out of it:

LAPTOP.

Yehesss I have my own laptop now. It's on credit, but heck, it's a start, yes?

Granted, with all I have to do and the crappy connection that we have at home (PLDT sucks, 'nuff said) I haven't had much time to do much besides writing, editing, research, listening to music and downloading stuff. I might hafta do some jdorama marathon one of these days to keep my sanity. And book hoarding. Y / N?

YEHESSS~

P.S. My laptop is named Night (ナイト). Yes, of course. From 絶対彼氏 (Zettai Kareshi). Needless to say, he's my absolute boyfriend at the moment. Take that, Jin.

LOL I'm losing it. Back to work. じゃ！

Some weird poem I couldn't remember writing

2011-02-24T08:45:00.002+08:00

Ah, yes. Fate. Shall we dare? Shall we tempt?
Mistress of mystery and reason beckons -
Or was that simply a trick of the light?
Indeed, who can clearly see?
In that shimmering haze of bright colors amidst the darkness.

Come, let us walk down that road
So we may see where it leads.
We shall laugh and we shall cry
The path will twist and turn and crisscross
Until we reach her bosom.

(2009)

===

Found it in one of my old LJ posts. Oh, it's mine, alright. The shimmering haze part is a dead giveaway ROFL.

Time

2011-02-17T09:56:00.002+08:00

Time, where did you go?
Why did you leave me here alone?
Wait, don’t go so fast
I’m missing the moments as they pass
Now I’ve looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
So wait for me this time

I'm down...I'm down on my knees
I'm begging for all your sympathy
But you (I'm just an illusion) you don't seem to care (I wish I could)
You humble people everywhere (I don't mean to hurt you)

Now I've looked in the mirror and the world's getting clearer
I'll take what you give me
Please know that I'm learning
So wait for me this time

I should have known better
I shouldn't have wasted those days
And afternoons and mornings
I threw them all away

Now this is my time
I'm going to make this moment mine
(I shouldn't have wasted those days)
I'll take what you give me
Please know that I'm learning

I've looked in the mirror
My world's getting clearer
So wait for me this time

~Chantal Kreviazuk

Thank you

2011-02-13T20:51:00.004+08:00

For lighting up my day.

For putting a silly smile on my face.

For inspiring me to do my best.

For reminding me of what's important.

For making me want to look for rainbows again.

For simply being there and simply being you.

Wish you were here.

Dreaming to sleep

2011-02-08T13:16:00.010+08:00

This is one of those moments when I get so tired of the world and everything and everyone in it that I just want to burrow under a heap of blankets and pillows and wake up 1o years later.

Seriously, it's getting hopelessly redundant. An overused, clichéd story plot: Something good happens and you start believing that finally, finally, you're doing the right thing and you're moving forward. Then something else comes along and challenges that belief. You decide to stick to your dreams but common sense and the rest of the world see you as idealistic, if not downright stupid.

All that believe in yourself listen to your heart follow your dreams reach for the stars never give up everything is going to be all right crap, to me, right now, is just that -- crap.

Why can't things, for once -- just once, I never really asked for too much -- be simple? Do people really have to struggle through life? And if they do, for what? What's waiting on the other side?

I used to enjoy the journey. But now I don't even know if I want to reach the destination. I'm no longer sure if it's all worth the trouble. I'm not a masochist.

"I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning."

~Stephen Chbosky (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

Words to Ponder

2011-01-31T22:00:00.006+08:00

"Life without a purpose is a languid, drifting thing; every day we ought to review our purpose, saying to ourselves, ‘This day let me make a sound beginning, for what we have hitherto done is naught!’" ~Thomas Kempis

Oh, hi.

2011-01-18T21:43:00.005+08:00

Yep, I'm still alive.

Been about two weeks since we moved here in our new house. My travel time to and from work, which used to be roughly 45 minutes, has now tripled. I wake up at 5am, I leave the house with my father and sister at 6. I arrive at work at 8. I float around in autopilot these days, so poof! It's 5pm! I leave the office at 5:15pm at the latest, walk all the way from the office to Megamall to the overpass to the bus stop and board a bus at roughly 5:30 (to achieve this I have to walk really fast, damn my knee injury). If I think about it, travel time could be shorter by 30 minutes if only the buses are not hanging around the stops to wait for passengers. Who follows the boarding time these days, eh? Last week it took me almost an hour to get from Star Mall to Ayala. O_O

Anyway, my sister waits for me at the jeepney terminal so we can go home together from there. Another 30 minutes. By the time we arrive at 8pm, all I can think about are my cats, getting enough sleep and going to work the next day. It's ridiculous.

From day one, I had already come to the conclusion that maybe it's time to leave the family nest and find a place of my own.

But of course, I'll have to write about it some other time. I had already cuddled my cats, and now I'm off to bed. I have to work tomorrow.

Yay life. Go me.

Tut tut tut~

2011-01-05T20:14:00.003+08:00

My friend Min is going on a backpacking package tour to Japan for the Sakura festival.

I'm not envious.

Or maybe I am. A little.

A LOT.

I have a meeting with the company president tomorrow (no, I'm not a big time employee, go figure) and I'm on the verge of taking another leave (I didn't go to work today)...not much because I have nothing to report, but because I might say something brutally honest.

I have an interview in Min's company on Monday. If things go well, it will be a way out, and I might earn more, but I'm dreading joining a corporate culture more typical than where I am now.

After more than 20 years, I'm leaving my hometown, the place where I was born, where I grew up, where I went to school, where I had lived all my life. I'm leaving behind comfort and convenience in exchange for my parents' happiness.

I badly want to go back to school, and to be more independent, but I hate the fact that everything seems to depend on how much money I have or, more appropriately, don't have.

My life is a mess, and I don't know know what to do anymore.

Take the hint

2011-01-04T18:43:00.008+08:00

"Are you alright?"

"Yes." Technically speaking, I'm a little "not alright" (I'm starting to think the Japanese way, grammatically speaking, yay), but I'm too lazy to answer you properly.

"You seem to have a problem."

I didn't, but now I do. It's you. "No, I'm ok."

"Everyone has noticed that you seem down since yesterday."

"I'm just dealing with things right now." Including nosy people like you.

"If you want to talk about it..."

Hell. NO. "I'm ok."

"We're a little worried."

Alright, assuming it's sincere, I appreciate the concern. But really..."Don't let it bother you." Because you're bothering the hell out of me too.

"We don't like seeing you sad."

I'm not sad. "I'm ok." And I'm starting to sound like a freaking broken record.

"Let's go to the arcade!"

FTW. I can't even.

It's called PERSONAL SPACE, people. Personal fucking space.

Hey!

2010-12-31T15:13:00.002+08:00

明けましておめでとう！o(￣▽￣)ノ☆☆☆

Widdendream

2010-12-29T16:26:00.002+08:00

This is one of those days when my brain seems to have switched itself into sleep mode. Yay for new office lighting, but I all I see is static; everything looks like a badly-tuned, black-and-white TV program. My cold is gone, although my throat still itches every once in while. I still sound awful when I speak (although I don't sound any better when I'm feeling better). I failed to get the home-based writing gig. Maybe when they said research-copy-paste, they meant research-copy-paste, not research-write-your-own thing. Why is it called "writing" then? I am being offered to do online research. Maybe I 'll email the HR person tomorrow and ask for details. Maybe I'll email Min too. Maybe a miracle will happen and I'll get to be editor and be able live with Lui 5 and 1/2 days a week to boot. Maybe. Maybe.

Everything is a maybe these days. In between struggling with changes and disappointments and trying to figure out why some people seem to have it all and easy, I seem to have lost my sight on the goal. See, I don't even know what the goal is anymore. Adult responsibilities are so exhausting that I have already forgotten why I put up with things in the first place. Routine is easier; monotony, safe. Stable, practical, responsible.

At the end of the day, maybe it's better to stop dreaming and just go to sleep.

メリークリスマス！

2010-12-24T21:05:00.004+08:00

After all the social stress that I had to go through this Christmas rush, I'm still alive yay. My throat hurts and my head is floating because of a cold, but to everyone who will happen to stop by:

Surreality

2010-12-16T20:43:00.008+08:00

Last night was...enchanted.

Dinner was a blur. I should have been nervous, but you were there, and I guess that made all the difference. It was a nice feeling---to be included, to share your happiness. I know you and your sister, Chippy, are so close. For a second there I almost envied her of all the moments that she had spent with you, but then I realized that you're probably feeling the same way toward her future husband. She's getting married, and you feel as if you're losing your best friend.

But you held my hand while we walked home, and when you opened the door, the sight of the pink dress made me smile. It was a little big for my size, but while we were dancing barefoot in your living room, everything felt right. You. Me. Us.

Behind my closed eyelids, I saw a fireworks of colors. I saw happiness. And then I opened my eyes.

It was dark.

The house next door was abuzz with voices.

I didn't know your name.

I couldn't remember your face.

It was in bed and it was a dream.

Tired.

2010-12-15T19:11:00.010+08:00

I'm tempted to simply add ''Nuff said", drop face down on the bed and just wake up tomorrow (or Friday--sounds good to me too), but I just have to ~~rant~~ empty my head. It's been buzzing for days, and I've always believed that "letting it out" works wonders ~~and I get to verbally abuse annoying people to boot~~.

First off, let me just say that I stupidly left my mobile phone at work this afternoon. As usual, I couldn't wait to go home and immediately packed my stuff 10 minutes after 5pm (I daresay I'm decent enough not to leave on the dot because I'm not decent enough to always arrive on the dot). After wasting precious minutes waiting around for my teammates so we could leave the office together (a matter that deserved to be discussed in another post--hint: 'social responsibility ftw!') and then crossing one building of SM Megamall to another, I was so glad to see that I was 4th in the line for the shuttle. I always listen to music while traveling (mainly to avoid having to listen to or get involved in other people's triviality--oh, yes, I'm not a cool person, those earphones are not for display only; they're dilapidated for a reason) so I rummaged inside my bag (er, dig) for my mobile phone (my iPod had died long ago; my phone is working 2 jobs) and found out that it wasn't there. To make the story short, I took a different shuttle to go back to the office because I didn't want to walk but ended up walking anyway because the shuttle doesn't pass by our building. Then I had to walk back to Megamall and the shuttle terminal again and repeat the whole leave-with-teammate (my team lead was still there when I came back) social-responsibility-ftw-my-knees-are-about-to-give-out-now-ktnx process (my childhood knee injury makes it really painful to walk when I'm tired).

I survived the long line at the shuttle terminal (I was gone for less than 30 minutes and the line had already doubled by the time I got back) and exchanged my smaller bills to the shuttle driver's 100-bills so he could give change to the irate passengers and we could all drive home in peace. But then the driver of the jeepney that I rode on next was playing loud hip-hop music and couldn't hear me when I called for my stop and I ended up walking again.

Why do people have to so be effing difficult?

I've long since accepted that Christmas is one of the busiest, if not the busiest time of the year. And if I didn't have to be in the midst of it all, I prolly wouldn't mind the fact that everyone seem to be out and about every damn day. But having to go through crowds in the mall (and I'm just passing through to get to the shuttle terminal--we're not yet talking about having to elbow my way through a sea of people just so I could buy a box of band-aid); line up at the shuttle terminals twice a day; put up with rude, insensitive people in the mall, at the terminal and just about everywhere else; and deal with the adult and professional responsibility of getting along with people at the office and joining in on company activities--let's just say my nonexistent social skills have reached its limit.

I'm not going to the company Christmas party next week because I don't have enough social energy to smile my way through hours of fake camaraderie and annoying hosts (I might end up punching those hysterically unfunny stand-up comedians that the organizers like to invite). But I still have a marketing event to attend tomorrow (I will be surrounded by kids, so I guess that's a compensation for the tedious activities that I can foresee) and an exchange-gift day at the office on Friday. After cramming for the final exam in my Japanese class last Saturday and on top of trying to spend time with my family and friends (including exchanging emails in Japanese with a couple of Japanese online friends) and the possibility of ending up broke before the New Year, I'm about ready to go inside a cave and hibernate until the chaos dies down.

Or maybe I won't go out of the cave again. EVER.

It's always a frustrating experience, to be faced with an unavoidable possibility that you're about to be plucked--once again--from your comfort zone and made to walk down an unfamiliar road of changes that lead to who-knows-where.

I'm a walking contradiction. Irony is my middle name. I'm never contented, always thinking that things can--or should--change for the better. But when a door of opportunity opens, I always hesitate to step forward. Instead, I always look back to what will soon change, or simply close my eyes and hope that everything will go away and I no longer have to make a decision.

This time, though, I can't look back or close my eyes. These incoming changes will not go away; I have to decide to either go through with them or find an alternative path.

I'm definitely going through with our moving to a house outside the city. I can foresee tedious traveling to and from work starting next year, but I don't want to--and still can't--live alone in an apartment or boarding house (if it's in Japan, that's a different story, but anyway...). And my parents are happy to finally settle down on a house of our own--that alone is enough of a deciding factor. I just have to think of positive options for my everyday travel (like reading on the bus--sleeping, if I'm traveling with my sister in the morning--, listening to Japanese lessons in my my mp3, or thinking stuff for my stories).

But today my superior mentioned that on January, she will start to prep me up to assume some of her responsibilities in our project.

Yeah, like... "FTW, SERIOUSLY?"

It's not so much that I'm cringing at the possibility of having "people responsibility" along with anything else that she's doing (whatever the hell it is), or the fact that I was--am--actually thinking of finding another job that's either closer to our new house or to my, er, interests. Frankly, I'm already considering (with stars in my eyes) the possibility that they might give me a raise for the added responsibilities (which means I might be able to buy a laptop sooner than I'm expecting), but what I'm really -- honest-to-goodness -- worried about is whether this "opportunity" would open doors for my dreams or set me back a long way.

I easily get tired of things these days. Sometimes I get the idea that my life only turns in a circle--a seemingly endless cycle of dreams, opportunities, decisions and frustrations, not unlike a mouse who occasionally stops running on the wheel when it gets tired, only to keep on running in the hope that it might reach something, accomplish something, that the struggle might end and it will be rewarded after all. But I'm not a mouse. Sometimes I wonder why I have to keep on running, what I'm running after, what I'm running for.

Sometimes I wonder why everything or everyone have to be so difficult.

“I would stare at the grains of light suspended in that silent space, struggling to see into my own heart. What did I want? And what did others want from me? But I could never find the answers.” -Haruki Murakami (Norwegian Wood)

Yellow Gold

2010-11-29T11:34:00.004+08:00

After a period of complacency and indifference, this feeling of restlessness has come back with a vengeance. Stronger, more disturbing, more urgent. One minute all I wanted was to sleep the days away, the next I want to bounce all over the place just to get this energy off my chest.

Seeing you does that to me. You were great. You were awesome. And now you're coming home with success and a huge smile of happiness to show off to those who doubted you.

No, I don't envy you. I feel like a proud momma right now.

But thanks for fueling my frustrations. I will always owe you this one. :)

So, basically...

2010-11-26T19:58:00.004+08:00

You're an a-hole.

Basically, I don't care how smart you are or how good you are at what you do. Because, basically, gossiping is not something a guy does. Basically, a mature guy doesn't make fun of another person for any reason. Basically, a real guy doesn't giggle or watch Lady Gaga videos at the office.

And, basically, you don't know how to use the word "basically".

Basically, you're a fkcing know-it-all. So, basically, I don't like you.

Well, hello there, my new friends.

2010-11-23T20:30:00.002+08:00

Keep me company for the next two weeks?

=========================

I bought a ~~punching bag~~ pillow that I can ~~punch strangle~~ hug when ~~Jin is being an ass~~ I need a break from the real world. ♥

Where the heck have I been?

2010-11-22T21:51:00.015+08:00

17 Nov: Fighting boredom at the office with ol'-school iced gem cookies.

Then off to an impromptu meet-up with Mamu Min. Jipan, SM Megamall.

My omelette rice!

Min's Katsudon

~~If you look beyond the bento box you will see my favorite Panda tshirt hehe.~~

20 Nov: After-class ~~pig-out~~ food trip with Yanee. Karate Kid, Trinoma.

Beef Teppanyaki

Yanee's new favorite: Gyoza

Takoyaki covered with fish flakes

The spoils of war

Then off to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows with Marlyn at Market, Market!

21 Nov: Off to another Harry Potter showing with my sibs. Festival Mall, Alabang.

Post-Harry Potter ~~pig-out~~ early dinner

BEFORE

AFTER

The sisig that was.

"I was here."

Next week, LITTLE TOKYO! Yay!

I think I'm falling in love with food. ♥

The holiday that was

2010-11-16T19:11:00.005+08:00

7:00AM Well, hello, medical lab. Fancy seeing you again. Mum's going back for the result tomorrow, but I can already foresee a future full of medications...again.

9:30AM Went to our house in Laguna. Pop has hired men to work on it. They're hoping that we can spend Christmas there and move early next year. I might end up really tanned within months, but the air is ♥. It's always breezy even in summer (you just have to stay indoors when the sun is high).

I don't really mind the long journey to and from Manila, but I'm planning to try out at Lui's company and do home-based work while waiting for an opportunity to go places. 'Twas really nice to get out of the chaos of the city; 'twas almost like leaving the real world for a spell LOL. I wasn't able to sleep like I originally planned despite the comfortable atmosphere but I did get to relax my mind. All of a sudden, my plans and goals are possible again. :)

On the way home, though, there were a bunch of a-holes in the bus, bullying the conductor. This is the reason why I mostly travel with music on and generally ignore what's happening around me. I don't want any reason to hate people.

But tomorrow, the real world resumes. I'm still not looking forward to it.

"Surprise holiday is like this illusion. It makes you feel like you have all the time in the world, but before you know it, the day is over." -Curtis Sittenfield (Prep)

Brain hiccups

2010-11-15T20:54:00.014+08:00

I don't have anything particularly important or note-worthy to write at the moment. I've been trying to coax my writing muse with ~~Osamu-kun's cute photos~~ Remioromen's music and Jin's concert updates for the last couple of days, but I'm having a hard time focusing or staying awake long enough to write anything (Jin is proving to be more of a distraction than anything else). I did come up with a couple of scenes but I think I need more time before I get a flow.

Anyway, while I was ~~stalking~~ browsing Ryota-kun and Osamu-kun's blogs at lunch and trying to decipher their Japanese in between a hundred emoticons and commas all over the place (what's with the *counts* 17--17???--commas, Ryota-kun???), I realize how simple their blog posts are. Osamu-kun blogs mostly about food, their tour and what happens in their dressing room (he seems to like bananas too, but he hasn't posted anything banana-related for the past month), while Ryota-kun ~~has a weird fascination with~~ takes photos of flowers ~~yeah, like, flowers? srsly?~~ and the places they're touring. They work, they mess around. They're happy.

They're happy.

Of course they're celebrities, and if they post anything depressing or angsty it will alarm their fans. But the point is...I honestly don't know what point I'm trying to make here because I'm in no mood to think. And that, I think, is exactly the point. LOL

I really shouldn't try so hard. So what if I'm not as articulate as someone who wants to write for a living should be?

Note to self: "Give me a break. I'll write I want."

===

In other news, here's my current music on-loop:

The official PV is made of ♥♥♥ too, but I think Remioromen sounds better live ~~and Osamu-kun's hair in this vid is longer~~.

===

Edit: 10:37PM

I've decided to take a break from Twitter for...a spell. I don't know when or if I will be going back. I will definitely check updates on Remioromen and Crystal Kay and Miho Fukuhara, but there's a not-so-nice feeling that's starting to get to me a little, so...

I'll keep my Tumblr (I love my Tumblr haha), but I might end up doing my microblogging around here too.

For example:

I need to get up early tomorrow morning for some lab tests. I really need to hit the sack now. LOL

I need to get a life. XD

From the next table, with love

2010-11-11T09:36:00.004+08:00

Dear Ms. Pretty-Girl-On-The-Next-Workstation,

I understand that you’re under a lot of pressure. I won’t even pretend to know how hard your work is (I don’t even want to imagine myself doing calls in the dead of night). I also understand that eating helps you relieve stress and keeps you awake during the night shift.

But for the love of all that is holy, is it so damn hard NOT to make a mess? Alright, so you have successfully managed to organize your stuff in your area and even told your dear friend to clean up after using my workstation as a cafeteria table (I’m still holding a grudge though, it’s a thing.), but how difficult is it not to leave crumbs of food all over the carpeted floor?

I don’t care how young you are or how new you are to the corporate world. Age or experience has nothing to do with it; common sense, darling, and common courtesy. The office is not your home. Just because there are utility persons doesn’t mean you can make a mess all you want. They are not your damn maids.

You can walk around the office barefoot for all I care; you’re obviously not bothered by the little roaches crawling around the place and being crushed and fossilized in the carpet (we morning peeps do that a lot, FYI). But when your creepy little pets get inside my drawers and take a lunchtime stroll on my workstation while I’m eating, that's a different story.

This is war.

Sincerely,
Your Trigger-Happy Next Table Neighbor

Odds and pieces

2010-11-08T19:10:00.007+08:00

I honestly didn't have any intention to not go to work today. It's just that time of the month, and I'm always at my worst. I can only count in one hand the number of times that I was able to breeze through times like these stress and pain-free, so I have about given up hope that anything's going to change about that.

But I don't think PMS has anything to do with my current state of mind. I have been feeling this old restlessness for the past few months, and I'm quite amazed at myself for being able to last this long without giving in to dark thoughts like the old times.

Yesterday, I told myself that I'm just so tired of everything, but after what I had to go through last year until the earlier part of this year, I seem to be doing better this time around. Maybe in the course of trying to reassemble the pieces of my broken dreams, I had come to the realization that crying over them won't make them come true any more than simply moving on and trying again will. I had stopped blaming others, complaining to God and telling myself how stupid I am because I had come to appreciate the amount of courage and motivation that it cost me to take the risk in the first place. It was a decision that I made, that I had to make.

I never really understand God's reasons until something has come to pass. It takes me a while to understand why things happen or why they don't. Most of the times I don't see the bigger picture, but at least now I am aware that there is a bigger picture, and I think I'm getting better at accepting the fact that sometimes it takes trial-and-error to figure out which pieces should fall into place, when and why.

For the past several months, I've known that something big is missing, and it's so darn frustrating that I always seem to keep getting the wrong pieces. And what's more frustrating is the fact that now I'm hesitating to step forward, to take the risk of trying to find that bigger piece. I'm afraid of making a mistake again.

Today I decided to forget everything for a while and watched the first episode of Iryu Team Medical Dragon 3. To hell with the real world. And it's amazing how a watching a drama and having a good cry can do wonders to a person. Doing what I love to do without the pressure of having to do it for others certainly puts things into perspective and reminds me of what's important.

To hope and to believe take courage. Uncertainties are part of life, and the risks and the responsibility for the outcome are mine to take. I will make mistakes, that's a sure thing. Everyone does. But I can't make amends by withdrawing from life, but by learning from my mistake and trying again. There are many hurdles along the way (including people [FTW Doctor Evil Noguchi is back! Why can't his character die for good???]), but if I focus on my purpose, on my dream, and hold on to hope and my faith, even a 1% chance is enough to get me through.

So maybe the pieces that I'm looking at now won't fit 100%, but maybe this time the whole point is not to find the right piece, but to find the motivation to keep looking for it.

Anomaly

2010-11-07T08:44:00.005+08:00

It's Sunday, and I woke up before 8am.

The first thing that came to my mind was, "I'm so tired". I know, that was weird because I slept like the dead. But what was weirder was I didn't want to go back to sleep.

I woke up because I suddenly felt tired of dreaming.

ME, the dreamer who keeps on dreaming even with eyes wide open, who neither has the money or the opportunities but believes that she can go places.

Yes, this is an anomaly.

I don't want to get tired of dreaming just because people say they won't come true. I don't want to spend my time trying to meet other people's expectations. I don't want to get caught up in the meaningless pursuit of acceptance. I don't want to get caught up in other people's drama.

I want to laugh, love, live. I want to believe.

My dreams are my reality. I don't want yours.

"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn’t be. And what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see?" ~Alice in Wonderland

Oh, hi.

2010-11-05T21:36:00.006+08:00

This is the battered copy of the 1979 third edition of The Elements of Style that I ~~nicked~~ borrowed from Lui. It was tucked in the farthest corner of their bookshelf along with the other battered, yellowed books whose use no one seems to know. For some reason they had survived the massive spring cleanings that Lui’s mom had done over the years. I have a bizarre penchant for old, smelly, yellowed books, and I had browsed this harmless-looking bunch of sorry misfits several times whenever I was at Lui’s house (I had already ~~nicked~~ borrowed a couple an Austen classic and a children’s music book years before), but it was only last Sunday that I saw this gem. Great timing it is too, because Lui has been asking me to help her edit student essays and website content.

I had borrowed a newer edition of this book from my other friend Min, but as she’s known to be a bit OC with her books (like me), I decided it’s better to have my own copy. Good thing too, because my current editing assignment is turning out to be more frustrating challenging than I thought. It's all I can do not to insert personal comments in the copy.

~~Dude, are they really English teachers? Seriously.~~

Alright, I’m going back to work.

===

Btw, お誕生日おめでとう, Koki! ♥

I can haz a friend?

2010-10-26T12:21:00.002+08:00

Ktnx.

Back in the real world

2010-10-25T13:10:00.008+08:00

It's Monday, and it's a holiday. Yay. Got loads of studying to do...later. Yeah, yeah, I'll get around to it before the day ends. I heard from Yanee last night that we will have a quiz on Saturday, and with all the effing events that I have to participate in this week, I won't have enough time to study except today. The events, yes...it's a series of Halloween parties for kids that our project at work struck a partnership with. I honestly don't know if I can manage enough enthusiasm and motivation in time for Wednesday and last until Friday, but we'll see. At the rate things are going, I might just pull through.

See, over the last few days, I had managed to convince myself to focus on the good things rather than the bad. Of course, with the way my mind works, I might just conveniently forget this words of wisdom in the next few hours, but at the moment, I only have to think that it's almost November already (HAAAARRY POTTEEEER!!!) and Christmas is just around the corner (13th month paaaaaaaay!!!). Happy thoughts, happy thoughts...ice cream....pink flying pigs...Haaarry Potteeeeer!!!

Anyway, so it was my brother's wedding last Saturday. Let's just say it could have been more organized, but as I had said, I'm focusing on the good things rather than the bad. My makeup was bad, my shoes hurt, but 'twas sure fun to walk around the hotel barefoot while wearing a gown. Some of our relatives walked out of the reception before the newlyweds arrived, the annoying hosts forgot to initiate a throwing of the bouquet, but now my brother and his lovely wife are now off to Boracay for their honeymoon, and they're very happy.

In the end, love conquers all.

It's quite surreal, looking at it from my point of view. My brother, who once jokingly dreamed of joining Johnny's Entertainment and replacing Jin in KAT-TUN (he was actually the one who introduced me to KAT-TUN's music, believe it or not haha), who couldn't seem to find his socks without my mother around, who can play computer games for days on end, is now leaving our family home to make his own nest. He and his wife have been together for almost 8 years before they decided to tie the knot. 8 years! And now they'll be counting more years to come.

Now, I said that from now on, I will be focusing on the good things rather than the bad. But then maybe it's not really a bad thing, to come to a semi-conclusion that maybe, maybe, I'm not made for any happily-ever-after. At first it was a little embarrassing, to have relatives asking us siblings which of us is next. Naturally, it's going to be my other brother, and for some reason, I know my sister is bound to meet someone in the near future.

But me...ah, yes. I had always been the quirky little thing in the family. I had always been the one they rarely see, the one who is always in the corner reading books while chaos abounds, the one who gets the high grades in school, the one who gets the honors. I had always been the brainy one, but now I'm the one who hasn't stayed in any regular job for more than one year. I'm the one who's studying Japanese to go to Japan and who-knows-where else. I'm the drifter, the one wants to go from one place to another, doing things no one else in the whole clan had probably thought of doing. Writing for a living, studying languages, putting up my very own bookstore.

Maybe it's not a bad thing after all, to accept the fact that I'm different. Maybe it's not a bad thing after all, to just focus on turning some of my dreams to reality and keep on dreaming of the others that will never be.

===

In other news...

YOU are my superstar. ♥

Once Upon A Dream

2010-10-24T21:00:00.009+08:00

“Hai! Chotto matte kudasai!” I called out as I ran to get the door. I looked through the peephole, but without my glasses, my eyes were so blurry from hours spent in front of the laptop screen that I could barely make out anything other than what appeared to be a riot of white and purple colors. “Chotto matte kudasai,” I said again to let the person outside know that I was already unlocking the door.

A big bouquet of snowy white roses greeted me in the doorway. Even if I hadn’t been too surprised I wouldn’t have been able to count them anyway – there were just too many of them, cradled inside delicate, gauzy lilac-colored paper and bound by what appeared to be meters of silk purple ribbon – but I assumed there was at least two dozen.

“Fiora-san?” a muffled voice came from somewhere behind the flowers and pulled me out of my frozen thoughts. I blinked. I couldn’t peer through or around the roses, but I did see a pair of navy blue pants and black shoes when I looked down. “Fi-yo-ra…Yu-ri-san?” the voice came again, pronouncing each syllable of my name slowly and hesitantly.

“Hai. Fiora desu,” I replied and hastily took a step back as a hand shot out from the below the roses, holding out a clipboard and a white envelope towards me.

“Sumimasen, Fiora-san. Delivery for you. Please sign on the receive column next to your name.”

I blinked again in surprise and bewilderment. The flowers are for me?

“Fiora-san?” I looked down and saw the delivery guy wiggling the clipboard to get my attention.

“Ah, hai,” I replied and quickly took the clipboard from his hand. I looked at the blank envelope curiously, removed it from the clip, and then signed next to my name written in Romaji. There was no sender column. “Excuse me. Is the envelope included?”

“Yes,” the delivery guy replied and held out his hand again. I placed the clipboard on it.

“Ano…” I said hesitantly, now completely at a loss as to what to do with the flowers. I was suddenly overwhelmed by the sheer size of the bouquet. Would they even fit inside the door?

“If it’s alright with you, I will carry the roses inside,” the delivery guy said, as if hearing my internal dilemma, and I sighed in relief.

“Onegaishimasu,” I said with a bow, and then turned to step away so he could enter the genkan. But he hesitated once he was inside, probably thinking how he could remove his shoes without dropping his burden. “That’s ok, I can take them from here,” I said, and I think I heard his own sigh of relief as he carefully put the flowers into my open arms. I smiled as I was suddenly enveloped in a cloud of sweet scent and I tried to snuggle closer without squishing them. I turned to one side and finally saw the small, young man who was the delivery guy. “Thank you very much.” I smiled and tried to bow as low as my sweet load would allow.

He smiled and bowed back. “Have a nice day,” he said as he backed into the doorway and out of sight.

I closed the door but only managed to free my right hand long enough to secure one of the locks. I was still smiling when I walked inside and laid down the bouquet on the coffee table. I was never one who liked flowers or chocolates or any of those sweet whatnot gestures, but I felt ridiculously giddy as I stared at the pure, snowy blooms. And then my smile disappeared when I remembered that I didn’t even know who sent them.

I plopped down on the small couch and contemplated the envelope. For some reason I felt like not opening it, and after a while I realized that it was because I had already unconsciously assumed who it could be from and I didn’t want to be proven wrong unless it wasn’t him. I sighed in exasperation at my own ridiculous, tangled thoughts and unceremoniously flipped the glued flap open.

There were two small pieces of what looked like cards inside. I pulled one out.

It was a ticket for Kin's Crossing Borders concert in Tokyo Dome. I looked at it closely. It was for the finale on Saturday.

I pulled out the remaining card and blinked for the third time. Twice.

Hope to see you there.
Kin

I had to read the short, handwritten message three times before I became convinced that my brain had processed and absorbed it correctly.

===

That's from the novel that I'm writing.

Ah~ I miss you, my writing muse.

Well, that's NOT the plan scuppered.

2010-10-21T18:25:00.002+08:00

Did I misread the signs again? Dang, I'm so bad at this. Why do I get the feeling that this is just like the other times?

Everything happens for a reason. There is a place and time for everything.

Yeah, yeah, I know the drill.

===

Earlier, I was going through my personal to-do list that I wrote last Sunday and found, not to my surprise, that I was only able to do 2 out of 6 (out of 7 if you count the mandatory がんばって, ばか! item). I absolutely hate this feeling of being restricted, of not being able to do something because of something else, of everything having a prerequisite.

And just when I thought I was about to take one step forward, the red light flickered on.

Great.

But isn't that a yellow light? Sorry, I think I'm color blind.

That's not "stop", just "wait."

Ah, no.

2010-10-17T20:37:00.003+08:00

I am sooooo not looking forward to tomorrow.

...if, at all.

ACCIO HAPPY THOUGHTS! ACCIO CHOCO ALMOND COOKIES!

Yatta!

2010-10-16T17:28:00.007+08:00

今日日本語 module 2 がはじまった。こうしのせんぱいはいいだよ。クラスはおもしろいだよ。らいしゅうのクラスにことができないけどまいにちがんばる。いまほんとうにつかれたけどすこしうれしいだよ。 Module 1 のしょうめいしょのかんせいときまつしけんとこのまえのしゅくだいをうけいれった。かなりいいよ! そして, せんせいのコメントははげましたね。だからもっとがんばるよ! ファイト! (￣▽￣)ノ☆

===

I'm not sure if my grammar is correct or if I'm making sense hahaha. Please bear with me. I'm trying to practice.

A Letter

2010-10-14T12:00:00.004+08:00

To Whom It May Concern:

This is to bring to your attention the following complaints on your non-compliance to the unspoken rules of common courtesy that have been implemented to define a mature and/or professional adult.

1. A public transportation is, well, public. There is no mystery here. Unless you own the damn transportation or paid for two or more seats, common courtesy and common sense dictate that you do not slouch as though you are lying on a Lay-Z boy. You do not take 2/3 of the space of a two-seater. You do not stretch your legs out when someone is sitting across from you. You do not fix all three air conditioning vents to yourself when there are four other people behind you. You do not poke your seatmate with your damn elbows, and you do not lean on your seatmate no matter how much he or she resembles a board, unless he or she is your parent, sibling, friend, girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse. (Please refer to number 2 for the regulation of public display of affection.)

2. We, blessedly single mortals, are not bitter. You, syrupy cheesy couples, are just awkward. You make us feel like we are peeping toms or something. Get some room. Seriously.

3. Do not stare at other people just because their clothes or hair is different or looks better than yours. At the very least, do not let the other person know that you're envious and insecure by giving them a look of disgust. You're obvious, dahling.

4. Do not announce your insecurity in social networks like Twitter or Facebook. If you have issues with your colleagues at work, air them out in a "professional"* way. It might be "professionally" unethical to approach your colleague and say, "Hey, you don't deserve this project / position / salary", but it is a lot more unethical to start gossips and talk about people behind their backs. And posting these things in Facebook--dude, seriously. You are proof of the theory that education does not define a person. (* "" signifies that 'professional' is used subjectively)

5. In connection to the previous rule, a mature person does not subscribe to gossip, especially when you are a goddamn guy and you are talking about people in the office. You might have the balls to play online war games at work, but by joining in on insecurity gossips, you are an embarrassment to the male population, genius.

6. Being a Christian does not make you any better or more righteous. Do not make your religion a mocking irony. Don't think bad thoughts, sister. It's bad for the digestion.

7. Do not expect me to smile if I do not want to, especially if I do not like you and you're an ass. I am a reasonably courteous person, and I am trying to be nice to every last one of you every damn day, but I am getting tired of everyone's bullshit. If you don't like me, thank you. The feeling is mutual.

Sincerely,
xxx

It's time.

2010-10-13T08:45:00.006+08:00

One door closes. Another one opens. The light beckons; you step out and follow the trail. The grass sparkles with bejeweled drops of rain, leftovers from last night's storm. A spectrum of colors winks from behind a thin mist. A sweet breeze ruffles your hair, caresses your face with gentle promise.

A cloud passes over the sun. The fog thickens; the sky swirls in shades of gray. The trail bends, and you stumble into a bed of cobbled stones. The air became heavy, cold, biting on your skin with freezing certainty.

You look around, tired and confused, looking for reprieve.

One door closes. Another one opens. The light beckons.

A spectrum of colors winks from somewhere nearby. You step out and follow the trail, hoping the gold-dusted road leads to a pot of gold this time.

===

"One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.

You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister. Everyone is finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.

Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them.

Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood.

Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.”

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are."

~Closing Cycles by Paulo Coelho

時間だ。

Issues, issues

2010-10-12T19:29:00.006+08:00

I certainly don't understand why there are people who spend an awful lot of time gossiping about others. One would wonder where they get the energy or the initiative to think bad thoughts when they're claiming to be busier, holier than thou.

Self-righteousness. You're doing it right.

Oh, grow up and get a hobby. LOL

===

Look at me, I have a~~n addiction~~ hobby. LOL

Budget? What budget? Weeeee~♥ *bouncing all over the place*

PS. It's a used copy, but in very good condition. For only 300php. (Still no ice cream for me this cutoff, but anyway...hehehe.)

===

"But who can say what’s best? That’s why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much."

~Haruki Murakami (Norwegian Wood)

Drifter

2010-10-11T09:01:00.003+08:00

Back in this rocking boat, drifting in the same stormy sea of uncertainties, fears, frustrations, confusion...everything is dark, gray, foggy white.

I miss dreaming dreams. I miss dreaming with my eyes wide open, looking at the world with multi-colored possibilities. I miss seeing rainbows when I look up at gray skies. I miss seeing the twinkling, flickering light of my golden dreams in this dark, winding road. I miss believing that dreams can come true.

I miss the shore of salvation.

Language barrier

2010-10-09T10:39:00.011+08:00

This is so frustrating. I had managed to find レミオロメン's drummer 神宮司治san's twitter account, and I'm following a news account for fans too, but I don't know how to communicate with them. I can try to send them a message in English, but for some reason I seem to be the only one among their followers who isn't tweeting in Japanese, so of course I'm hesitant. I can also try using the very limited Japanese that I know, but of course I'm shy--I may sound like a kindergarten, maybe worse. Hahaha.

"I'm your fan from the Philippnes! I love you guys! You rock!"

Simple as that, and I couldn't manage it. Man, I'm such a loser. LOL

===

I'm enrolling in Japanese module 2 next week. By hook or by crook. ファイト! (￣▽￣)ノ☆

===

I really should change my layout soon. The images are so damn heavy to load. And I can't post separate posts in one day without ruining the design.

But first I have to figure out another way to tweak codes without my beloved MS Front Page. Am I the only one left in the world who thinks that MS Front Page is a genius application? Seriously.

===

edit: 1:35PM

(...because thoughts keep popping out of nowhere and I still love this blog more than my tumblr, handy and ideal it might be for short-notice nonsense like these...)

I always find it interesting why most people, in response to someone's story or comment about him/herself, always, consciously or unconsciously, turn the topic to themselves. E.g.:

Girl 1: My mom wants me to get married.

Girl 2: Oh, my mom doesn't want ME to get married yet. But my grandma seems to be worried that I will end up an old maid. And yada yada yada...

Girl 2, seriously, did anyone ask about YOU? Girl 1 was telling the story.

LOL We people are vanity personified.

===

So much for my wonderful plans for today. Can I say "I'll put my life into order some other time?"

Procrastination. I'm doing it right. *kicks self*

Today

2010-10-08T09:15:00.008+08:00

On the way to work, I felt this feeling...that something good has happened, is happening, or was going to happen. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew there was something. For one, I didn't feel any distinct annoyance at anyone (or everyone) either at the terminal or inside the public van (FX) this morning (or maybe because the woman beside me was NOT your typical I-paid-therefore-I-am-screw-you "professional"). I also barely skipped songs on my mp3 playlist (which I always do when I badly need some inspiration; at these times I mostly listen to only a handful of songs from Jin Akanishi [except Lovejuice], Remioromen, TOKIO, Tegomass, and Miho Fukuhara). And while in the elevator, I was surprised to see myself in the chrome reflection looking wide awake and alert. Of course, all these gradually faded when I reached my station (I hate sharing workstations! >.<), but I am now calm enough to fonder over the strange situation again. Could it be because:

1. I passed Japanese module 1. YAY. Sensei sent us text messages last night to inform those who passed (although I have a feeling most of us who took the final exam did) and how to get our certificates. She also advised us to proceed to module 2 but I'm still trying to figure out how the hell I will be able to enroll.

2. I went home early yesterday because of dysmenorrhea and got a 2-hour nap in the afternoon. I was also able to laze around the house downloading and browsing stuff in the internet. I MISS BEING A BUM haha.

3. I'm past the PMS stage for this month. This is the bane of my existence. O_O

4. Maybe something good is really going to happen soon? OH MAN!

5. It's Friday. Maybe that's just it. LOL

===

edit: 2:54 PM

This is one of those times when I'm disturbed by these wayward thoughts of going back to good ol' Accounting (nothing anywhere near Financial Statement generation or analysis, mind you, just general stuff like Payables) and saving my creative energies for other rewarding activities after office hours, like studying Japanese and writing fiction. My brain can't afford to be bored out of its wits like this--I'm starting to become prone to misspelling or skipping words in sentence compositions. E.g. "This one those" instead of "This is one of those"--I actually had to rewrite that part, and the word "rewrite" from "rewrie". I have very few brain cells left, and my 99.9% motivation has been steadily decreasing over the last several months.

I'm disintegrating. I read Kana like a half-asleep kindergarten student. This is simply unacceptable.

Where the hell did the weekend go?

2010-10-04T16:33:00.001+08:00

Friday. Spent the day walking around Serendra at Global City. Then at Tiendesitas, Pasig. Work stuff. Don't ask.

Friday. Spent the night making my long-overdue powerpoint presentation for my Japanese class--from scratch--that was assigned way back last July. Cramming: bad habits die hard.

Saturday. Woke up really early for our final exam in Japanese class for the current module. Arrived in class with Yani 10 minutes late. Spent review time playing a Kanji game with my classmates--I LOVE STUDYING KANJI (I know, I'm weird)--and chatting with Cherry-san (we were the last to finish the activity because we spent half the time talking about jpop LOL). Answered the 4-page exam in kana even though it wasn't required. Tried to read Joanna-san's K-On manga (in Japanese). Wan-tsu-surii! 1-2-3. That was hysterical.

Didn't get to present in class because...my brain had stopped functioning by this time.

Spent the remaining time eating my classmate zita-san's oishii potato salad--but I loved the boiled eggs best LOL--, munchkin donuts (mine and Yani's contribution), and chips while watching My Neighbor Totoro. Flew over to Robinson's Galleria in the blistering heat and crawling traffic to meet college friends for a free movie ticket for Legend of the Guardians (awesome movie, but I didn't see the beginning T_T).

Flew over to Evangelista in Makati to attend another college friend's birthday. Long story. No tell. Don't want.

Sunday. Spent a hellish day at Divisoria with mum and sister. Sorry and Excuse Me are rare words in that place. Salesstaff are more OC than those at the mall. If you're short on people skills and tolerance like me, don't even try it. Weekends, bad idea. It's October, it's already Christmas. SUICIDE.

===

My knees died over the weekend. Now I'm wearing a warm pair of leggings under my pants. It's always winter here at the office. And I need to wear a pair of high heels for my brother's wedding.

'Nuff said. *keels over and dies*

Seriously?

2010-09-30T11:10:00.008+08:00

Last night, while I was walking aimlessly in SM Megamall trying to find a spot where my mobile phone could get a signal so I could tell my mum that I would go home late, this college student guy approached me out of nowhere.Uhm. Well, maybe not out of nowhere. He was probably standing there the whole time for all I knew, but since I have a very limited attention span--and a consistently deteriorating eyesight--I barely notice people's faces when I'm walking in the mall.

So I blinked once and the college dude was there and he was calling me "ate" (older sister) and talking very fast about something that I could barely understand because of his annoying coño accent. I asked him what it was about and he asked me if we could move to the side so as not to block people's way. I realized that we were standing in the middle of the walk way. I had no idea how the hell I got there. When we were out of harm's way he started talking again and I picked out something about a school org and leadership training and their advocacy and yada yada yada. After asking me to smile --EH?-- he finally decided to get to the point. They were selling some miscellaneous items for their fund raising--I have no idea how the act of accosting people at the mall is supposed to train them to be leaders--prayer cards with hologram images of Jesus, the Virgin mary or the last supper for a whooping price of 80-100 pesos.

Yeah. The - between the 80 and 100 means you can choose the amount to pay from that range. Of course I said it was too expensive, but he said something like "don't look at the price or the item, but at the deeper meaning of your act". YEAH. That's the smartest excuse they could come up with for overpricing the things. I don't hold anything against prayer cards or religious things for sale--I'm a Catholic; I buy rosary bracelets--but it always disappoints me that people think this way. Just because you're doing it for the Lord doesn't mean that you have the license to overprice your items. That's taking advantage; it defeats the purpose. Ever heard of fair trade and honesty?

Anyway, because I'm really lousy when it comes to confrontations, I just said okay, I would buy one just to get him on his way. My people skills are very limited these days. So I asked again how much I should pay, and he said 80-100, but it would be better if I paid 100.

DUDE. SERIOUSLY. O_O

I paid him 80 for a Virgin Mary card. I would have gladly paid more if they had actually put more effort into the products--it's the thought that counts, you know--but he didn't even seem to be taking care of the cards because they were all bent on the edges, except for the one that I bought. But I decided to put it up to God and hoped the college dude was really doing it for a good reason. (I can't check on their org now because the name slipped through my memory gaps sometime between polishing my bowl of rice with chicken teppanyaki and discussing kanji with Min last night.)

Oh, by the way, while I was trying to fish money out of the recesses of my bag (which is always a mess no matter how frequently I try to organize it before leaving the house), the prayer card dude asked, "Ate, sang school ka pumapasok?" ("Sis, where do you go to school?")

I said, "No, I'm not a student. I'm already working."

I don't know if he was trying to flatter me or whatever, but he looked surprise. He thought I was a college student.

Now, I don't know if I should be flattered or whatever. I had always been mistaken as a high school student up to my fourth year in college, and as a college student these past few years when I had started working, but last night I couldn't help but think that maybe I should start worrying about this. I was wearing a blouse and vest, appropriate by office standards, but I had on a pair of jeans and my beloved sneakers ("Trusted to keep your feet warm on winter days at the office! Buy your pair now!") and I was using my battered backpack that is always full and heavy (I usually bring my Japanese textbook to work for lunchtime studying).

Prayer Card Dude: "How many months have you been working?"
Me: *bewildered" I've been working since 2006.
Prayer Card Dude: *bewildered now too* How old are you, sis?
Me: 25.
Prayer Card Dude: ... *more bewildered*

I'm proud to be a dork, but is that a bad thing? Maybe I should try to be a more conventional yuppie?(･_･?)

Oh, alright. Nevermind.

Conversation

2010-09-29T09:25:00.005+08:00

Her: Hey!
Me: Oh, hey!
Her: Good to see you! Man, I haven't talked to you in ages! I missed you, dude!
Me: Wow, really?
Her: Yeah. I'm really happy that you're alive!
Me: Wow. *touched*
Her: So how are you? Tell me what's been happening to you since I talked to you last.
Me: Why? *honestly bewildered*
Her: I want to hear everything about you.
Me: That's...new.
Her: No, silly! I've always been interested in what you have to say. Have you been well?
Me: Does it really matter?
Her: Of course it matters. YOU matter.
Me: ...?
Her: I care about you, you know. I feel sad when you're sad, I feel excited when you tell me good news about your life. I worry about you!
Me: Really? Because I worry about ME too. I'm talking to myself, you know. And no one's going to read this.

No, I wont. I will.

2010-09-27T19:00:00.005+08:00

I'm broke. My salary is late. I have to put up with people who, for some reason, feel the need to have an opinion on every damn thing. I have to listen to people who, for some reason, want to share every damn thing about their lives. I have to talk to people who, for some reason, don't want to listen if the topic is not them. I can't write, I can't study...I can't seem to find one moment of peace these past few months.

And did I say I'm broke? Because dangnabit. I AM EFFING BROKE.

But no, I won't let this day ruin my week. I won't let these people get to me. I won't listen, I won't talk. I won't care.

I will write, I will study...I will go home on the dot if I want to.

With choco almond cookie ice cream on top. Take that.

+ + +

Read my bubble thoughts! http://withblurryeyes.tumblr.com

Ah.

2010-09-20T21:17:00.004+08:00

I had already forgotten the shining, shimmering, splendid moment last Friday. I knew it. And now I'm back to wanting to sink into a sea of pillows away from humanity and wanting a hug from anyone who's got some sympathy to spare.

PEOPLE. You're harder work than anything else.

This.

2010-09-18T00:00:00.003+08:00

I feel a strange sense of accomplishment for the first time in a long while. It's not much--in all practical sense it's not really a big deal. But to me, it counts for something. Maybe tomorrow I will fall back into the a state of limbo. Maybe on Monday I will forget this brief shining moment and struggle through the work week again. But I would like to mark this day as a significant one--a glimpse to what can be, a small flickering light at the end of the road. A whisper of hope. A golden strand of my rainbow dreams.

Something I can look back on when I need to look ahead.

This time I will not be left behind. :)

Say...

2010-09-17T17:21:00.005+08:00

Pipsqueak. Dudderdash. Cherry-colored bubbles. Bottle of rainbows. Crystal ferriswheel. Flying pigs. PIIIIIGS. PINK FLYING PIGS. A bouncing yellow teddy bear. Massububuuuuuchaaaaan...

Life. You always manage to reduce me to a heap of discombobulated dreams and possibilities. With almonds on top.

I read. I write. I ramble. I want to drink coffee like water. I need to keep awake longer...at appropriate times of the day (not night).

I write nonfiction for a living. I live to write fiction. But from one angle it's almost like everything is all fiction. LOL

And my head is now crammed full of English and Japanese words that I didn't know existed. And some that I didn't know I knew existed. And thoughts of making up new ones no one will know will exist, just to compensate for the possibility that there are still hundred others that I will never get to know or remember even if I stumble or had already stumbled upon them at some point in my life.

And yeah. I have this ability to confuse myself while trying to make sense of things. I can't even remember the original purpose of this post.

PINK FLYING PIGS THAT LOOK LIKE TEDDY PANDA BEARS. Yeah. And now my work team is off to dinner ~~pig out night~~ and coffee. Life is full of nom. Nuninuninuuuu~

I can haz bubble wrap?

2010-09-16T10:19:00.002+08:00

Life's simplest pleasure. Eternal happeh. With coffee ice cream and almonds on top.

Yeah. I am prone to spouting random thoughts these days. It's a coping mechanism at times like these, when I'm getting tired of human interaction and life isn't making things easier. It's already ten in the morning and I still don't have any topic idea for the article and blog post that I have to finish before tomorrow. I'm gulping down a tall cup of "energizing" drink and I still don't know how the heck I can keep my eyes open for the next eight hours.

And did I say that I'm getting tired of human interaction? I have exhausted my supply of empathy and nonexistent social energy. I would have loved it if we have a class on Saturday, but we don't, and I'm looking forward to staying in the house to talk to Kana-chan all weekend. At least he seems to appreciate my awesome. LOL

I have to resist this increasing urge to be on autopilot and simply sleep everything off at the end of the day. I have to stay awake to see my dreams become reality. Soon.

What is easy is not always what is right. I will not go back to my comfort zone.

But I can still haz some bubble wrap? I luvz.

Dear Language Diary

2010-09-15T11:55:00.005+08:00

I'm sorry for leaving you behind at the office last night. I swear, I didn't plan on missing my daily entry yesterday. I was actually looking at you while I was emptying my drawer of oatmeal cookie wrappers, and I made a mental note to grab you and put you in my bag. But obviously, my brain is not absorbing any of those damn brain food (although I have to admit them oatmeal cookies taste effing good) and is still not capable of remembering notes -- even those dangling at the bottom of my computer screen like a bunch of multi-colored fiesta trimmings with a bunch of English and Japanese words written in varying shades of red ink.

Well, yes, I probably would have failed to write anything sensible even if I was able to bring you home last night, but do I really have to double my entry to compensate for my oversight?

And maybe spending two hours reading jpop news isn't going to help me with my kanji, but isn't watching a Remioromen concert on youtube considered "educational"?

Crap.

2010-09-13T17:41:00.003+08:00

15 minutes before the end of my shift, my work computer froze on me.

And while the damn thing was rebooting, I decided to read my entry in my language diary for today.

And I realized that my handwriting isn't any better in Kana or Kanji.

CRAP. No sense in buying a nice notebook now. Pffft.
(*・_・)ノ⌒*

Not weird! Am not!

2010-09-09T20:13:00.003+08:00

So maybe not a lot of people will go to the office wearing a T-shirt with a large pandaaaaa and large words “HUGS FOR LIFE” printed on it (I’ve been spelling the word “pandaaaaaa” these last several days to show how smitten I am). Most corporate workers liked going to work “dressed down” in jeans, sneakers, sandals or other casual stuff, but as I walked along one of the busiest avenues in Ortigas Center, I figured that “casual” is a subjective thing. And maybe to those who are used to a rather strict corporate setting where office attire, suits, skirts or uniforms are a must, or to a typical mindset about how working"adults" should be, seeing a Panda--I mean a (supposed) professional walking down the street in a Panda T-shirt, faded jeans, battered sneakers and a large backpack might just be one of the most bizarre things they had seen this week.

Generally, I don't give a hoot (I usually don't notice enough to give a hoot), but sometimes I find it weird that people find it weird that I'm a little...weird. It's not like I'm being that way in purpose. What's the standard for normality anyway? So maybe I'm not a typical working "adult". And I hardly ever use the word "professional" on anyone (now that is a subjective thing). And I have been lucky enough to be accepted into a couple of companies that didn't have strict rules on attire. And I like to eat lunch alone, I doodle in Kana (sometimes Kanji) during meetings, and I absolutely hate company activities (except for the food) and outings. But at least I don't slouch, hoard the air-condition, take up so much space, or become an absolute nuisance without a care in the world in public transportations, unlike some of the "professionals" I ride with every morning and night (hint: "" = sarcasm). I don't talk down to messengers, utility persons or student trainees in the company. I retain composure even when talking to irate "professionals" on the phone. I follow instructions. I follow company rules. I can compose formal business correspondence with good English grammar. And I don't login to Facebook or Twitter in the office (...then again, I hardly use Twitter anyway).

And you say you're normal? Now THAT is weird.

There's nothing wrong with my pandaaaaa. And an offer of lifetime hugs is not bad either.

Be yourself. Not all people are going to like you anyway. :D

Back to [ab]normal

2010-08-21T12:25:00.003+08:00

Dark, negative thoughts, be gone! I have a life to live here, ya know. So what if I haven't had a regular job for more than a year? I could have easily stayed the last two times and lived just like every one of you normal yuppies. But I effing don't want to, don't you effing understand? I want to write, I want to read, I want to dream, and then live some.

I'm not in the right path yet. And I'm starting to feel the old restlessness coming back. That's a good thing, though, I think. It means I'm not settling for anything less than my predestined purpose, whatever that may be.

Vanilla Almond ice cream, a pile of books on top of my tall pile of reading list, a fun sighting of a Koike Teppei look-alike in Megamall. Full of genki now! Bring on them Japanese text books! I have a world to conquer here, people! o(≧∇≦)ノ

The point of no return

2010-07-21T20:53:00.002+08:00

We've reached it, that turn in the road. Do you look back once in a while, the way that I sometimes do? I bet you do. We're afraid, yes. Of course we are.

No more turning back. No more safety nets.

But we chose this. It's something that we had to do.

The way forward is not as clear as we dreamed it to be, but this time, at least we know that we're going forward and not back. We may not see where the path is leading us, but isn't that why we started the journey in the first place? To reach our destination?

I think we did the right thing. But then only time will tell.

がんばりましょうか? :)♥

Oh Happy Day

2010-07-18T08:40:00.007+08:00

Everyone's out and about somewhere. I'm home alone with good ol' alternative music (ah~ I had missed Dishwalla), a variety of Japanese music (from old-school to mainstream) and piano instrumentals.

Independence. Space. Peace. No breakfast (yet).

Just me, yo.

Life is good.

BRING OUT THE ICE CREAM,PEOPLE! IT'S EIGHT IN THE MORNING, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!

...

Oh, right. I'm alone (with the cats and dogs).

YAAAAAY!

Fufufu~♫♪♫♪♫♪♫

*bounces all over the place*

★★★

No matter what happens...even if things don't work out the way you want them to, I will still believe in you.

You're my superstar. :)♥

Bubble Thoughts

2010-07-09T19:58:00.002+08:00

You're there. I'm here. Yes, we have a problem.

A big, big problem. Because even if you're there, you're here. HERE. In my mind. In my heart.

But you're still there. THERE. Where I can go but never reach you. Where I can see you but where you can never see me.

You make me believe that dreams come true. But you're the one that's always in my dreams. And you can never come true.

Yes, I think we have a problem. Don't you?

So who do you think is making excuses?

2010-04-18T11:43:00.008+08:00

Go on. Try to write while seated on a hard, uncomfortable chair in possibly the most cramped corner in a house that feels as hot as an oven from morning to night while your sister watches TV all day at high volume and your next-door neighbors alternately gossip in loud voices, squeal and scream while chasing each other around their cavernous house or hit pots and pans noisily while cooking (I don't cook, but I don't think the activity necessarily generates that much noise O_O). Add to that all the frustrations and pressure of being a supposed adult with responsibilities, the restrictions forced in a household that don't allow the supposed adult to stay up late on an effing Saturday night (Don't you know? The cure to writer's block is insomnia.) and the seemingly endless social chore of trying to act normal enough to be able to deal with people in the corporate world.

Deal with it.

P.S. To my favorite Anonymous commenter (because I've concluded that you're only one person who'd been leaving anonymous comments), you just make me wonder why you have to be anonymous. (￣▽￣)V

ぬにぬにぬにぬ。。。

2010-03-10T21:40:00.002+08:00

I just want to say that...

You make me smile when I can't seem to find anything else to smile about.

You make me happy when I'm sad.

You make me believe that dreams come true.

Thank you for making this godforsaken life so worth the hassle.

愛してるよ。。。私の最愛の星。「Wish you were here.」♥♥♥

Back to Zzzzzero...

2010-02-24T21:11:00.003+08:00

I hate job hunting. Either I forgot how tedious these things are, or I had never actually realized it until now - almost one year after getting used to the idea of leaving the corporate world, like, forever.

I'm starting to hate this phase of my life. Seriously. I think I've run out of all my "頑張れよ! 頑張れよ!" vibes to keep me going. Right now, all that I can think about is getting a freakin' job to start earning money. Sounds familiar?

I think I'm going to be sick. Be back when I recover my [in]sanity.

PS. It's so freakin' hot for February.

Happy Hearts Day

2010-02-12T15:19:00.007+08:00

CLICK AND SAVE! :)♥

===

あなたの恋愛小説を書かせてください。。。

Wish you were here.

昨夜。。。

2010-02-03T11:09:00.009+08:00

ついに夢の中であなたに会いました。

今日私は嬉しいです。

また今晩あなたに会うことを望みます。。。:) ♥ ♥ ♥

今この物語は始まる。

2010-01-16T18:10:00.007+08:00

After years of running in circles, this time it's for real. I will make sure of it.

I know I will still hit and meet potholes and obstacles along the way, that I might veer off the path again, that I might get dragged back again, but this time I'll make sure I won't get dragged back far.

The path forward is not as clear as I want it to be. And I'm still waiting for signs that will point me to the right direction.

でも神は私の手を握り締める。

FIGHT-O!

"雪...頑張れよ, 頑張れよ!" ~ 夏 (LANDS)

(Actually, it's 勇気 , but Jin sings it like "Yuuuuukiiiii..." so it sounds almost like my name 雪. )

And oh, 誕生日おめでとう, お姉さん!
COFFEE ICE CREAM = HAPPINESS.

So what the heck happened?

2009-12-01T14:45:00.003+08:00

I got sick and tired. Literally and figuratively. Or figuratively and literally, if the sequence of unfortunate events will be taken into account. The past months had been an effing psychological rollercoaster ride. On top of all the pent-up frustration regarding my long-overdue Tokyo journey (yes, I'm still here...but just a few more days, I hope >.<), I had 2 choices:

1. Snap and lash out
or
2. Crawl back into my cave, talk to myself and mull things over.

Looking back now, in the end I think I did both, although in different proportions and not in the way I had planned or even considered. I failed at both... unsurprisingly.

Well, I did snap. Snapped really badly, even. But I was not able to lash out. At least not in the horrible, horrible way I had guiltily imagined or even planned. Why? Because I couldn't. Over the years I had unwittingly trapped myself inside a box that my own nature created. I, who hate stereotypes with a passion just one notch short of my hatred of clowns (creepy, evul things *mumble mumble*) is trapped into a stereotype of my own creation. Bizarre, yes. But a stereotype nonetheless.

I'm the scary, unapproachable shock-absorber who can listen to a friend until the crows turn white if need be. The ice-cold, sturdy one with a shoulder to cry on. The short-tempered one with the patience of a saint (almost). The quiet, anti-social one who can transform into clown or a soft mound of mush for friends in need. The strict one who hates tardiness but with an anger-span of only 2 seconds when friends arrive one hour later (the record was...3 hours, I think). The opinionated smartass who, most of the times, can't even tell her friends what the heck was wrong for fear of hurting someone's feelings.

But contrary to popular belief, I'm not an effing Yuki Onna. Surprise, surprise, I'm human too. I have a glitch in my system just like the rest of you mere mortals.

Sometimes, I get tired of listening because I want to be heard for a change. Sometimes, my shoulders get tired because I want to cry too. Sometimes, I lose my temper because all I want to say is "Grow up, stop whining and do something about it!". Sometimes, I'm not in the mood to be funny or nice because I need a clown and a mushy friend for myself. Sometimes I want to come 2 hours late just so they'll know what it feels like to wait. And sometimes I want to tell them exactly what's wrong because my feelings get hurt too. Sometimes, I get tired of caring for others because I want to be cared for for a change.

Sometimes I feel like a doormat. Useful, but barely worth a glance. Or an old, worn out pair of pajamas. Comfortable, familiar, endearing, but only used at certain times of the day.

Am I asking for too much? When I said I would be crawling back to my personal cave to mull things over, no one even asked me WHY. When I got food poisoned (this is why I said I failed in my attempt at hibernation too - I couldn't think about anything beyond my stomachaches), no one even asked me HOW I was. I wasn't even trying to be a sympathy-baiter. I was not trying to romanticize my sufferings. But a pat on the head, a caring word or two, would have done wonders. Just to know that someone cared that I didn't throw up all my stomach and died.

I don't want to be the center of attention. Heck, even if I want to, I'm not charming enough or influential enough or cute enough or whatever enough to be one. I've always been in the background, in the shadows, content to do what I can. But I also want to be recognized once in a while. I just want to be appreciated once in a while. I don't need anyone to feed my ego or indulge my vanity because I have neither. I just need someone to feed my heart.

But aside from Miki (who has a husband and kids to take care of, one of which got sick a few weeks back, and who still managed to send me gazillions of virtual hugs and messages in FB), Marlyn (who, like me, is financially disabled these days) and Min (who's busy with work and family too), no one in the immediate vicinity seemed willing to forget about themselves long enough to notice anyone else. And you know what? It hurt. It effing, freakin' hurt.

Ice cream break

2009-08-05T19:56:00.006+08:00

In case anyone's wondering (I bet no one is, but just in case), yes, I'm still in Manila. My Tokyo trip had been moved so many times I've already lost count, but last I heard we already have a tentative flight schedule for the 13th. I've always been a cynic (alas, but there's simply no point in denying it) but I seemed to have worsened over the last several months of waiting, so no, I'm not holding my breath. Sure, I still believe I'm going to Tokyo soon, but the giddy excitement had long since worn off, so I say "just surprise me".

Anyway, I've been helping out a friend of mine with writing her novel. Originally, I was only supposed to help her with research and maybe some proofreading. I was only supposed to be an editor, but after rewriting major parts I'm now co-author. YAY.

LOL Ok, let me hold that yay moment back for a bit. So far, I have only managed to edit the prologue and 2 chapters and I'm falling way behind my deadline as of this writing (I was supposed to edit 7 chapters before we leave for Tokyo). I haven't been studying my Nihongo lessons too, so yeah, I'm such a mess right now. Good thing aniki brought home ice cream tonight. Life is good at the moment.

Special Greetings

2009-07-04T15:38:00.007+08:00

Happy Birthday to 3 of my most favorite people in the world:

1. Lui Reyes
2. Jin Akanishi
3. Takahisa Masuda

Greetings, loves. ^_^

This is just me talking.

2009-06-26T16:21:00.012+08:00

No, I'm not bored. But I'm lazy and procrastinating as usual. And it's so damn hot around here (Where have my rainy days gone??? T_T). And my eyes are hurting. And I couldn't take in a word of my Japanese textbooks. And I want to go to Tokyo now. And did I say that it's so damn hot around here?

And I'm supposed to edit Lui's story now, but since I've been procrastinating for a week now, I daresay a few more minutes won't matter. I'll probably take a hell of a long time anyway, so.

I honestly don't know what I'm typing here for. I guess I'll just post the music game I did earlier. I've posted it in Facebook, but the answers are so freakin' hilarious. They just have to be here.

But before that, I'm browsing some random people's pages in Friendster now, and I'm probably putting my foot in my mouth here...or in my hand? since I'm writing and not speaking (ok, I just managed to confused myself there)...but really, what's with these couple-names-combo-anniversary-number thing? Say - I'm gonna go ahead and use my name with Jin and make up an anniversary date (just for the purpose of discretion, I swear, because I might get into trouble if I use the actual example I saw earlier XD) - Jin and Belle, July 7, so that would be something like, Jinelle #7...

Excuse me a second...

*cough cough cough*

...So, as I was saying. What's up with that? I mean, posting pictures of themselves all over the place, with ridiculous captions like "My One and Only" or "My Life" or "Me and My Baby"... I mean, sorry, really I just have to go "What? Urgh." on the last one. Really. People's innate ability to be cheesy never fails to amaze me.

Yeah, yeah, right. I might eat my words one of these days, but anyway. It's still cheese. ROFL.

+ + +

"Hello!" Let's play a music game!

(I've posted this here before, but I couldn't find it in my archives so I must have deleted it.)

RULES:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write down that song name no matter what!
4. Put any comments in parentheses after the song name.

If someone says "is this okay?" you say,
I Believe - Ayaka (I believe so...hehe)

How would you describe yourself?
Niji - Laruku (What? Hell no, I'm not gay. ROFL)

What do you like in a guy/girl?
Rush of Light - KAT-TUN (What? Did you mean Edward Cullen? XD)

How do you feel today?
Special Happiness - KAT-TUN (LIES!!! ALL LIES!!! XD)

What is your life's purpose?
Ai no Command - KAT-TUN (AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Crap.)

What is your motto?
Keep The Faith - KAT-TUN =)

What do your friends think of you?
Miss You - Yuna Ito (LIES AGAIN!!! ALL LIES!!! Hohoho!)

What do you think of your parents?
Jumpin' Up - KAT-TUN (LOL hardly)

What do you think about very often?
Everybody Needs Someone - Miho Fukuhara (OI! SHADDAP, MIHO! XD)

What is 2 + 2?
Haru Kaze - Flumpool (LOL "Spring Breeze" I think I know what this means. XD)

What do you think of your best friend?
Amagasa - Tokio (Eh? An umbrella? O_o?)

What do you think of the person you like?
Getting There - Miho Fukuhara (But I swear, Jin, I'm getting there. Soon. XD)

What is your life story?
Pieces - Laruku (Wow. This used to be the title of my blog. Coolness. XD)

What do you want to be when you grow up?
SMACK - Yuichi Nakamaru (LOL I have no idea what this means.)

What do you think of when you see the person you like?
Te wo Tsunagou - Ayaka ("Cheesy....!!!")

What will you dance to at your wedding?
LOST - Flumpool (LOL someone's trying to be funny)

What will they play at your funeral?
Peacefuldays - KAT-TUN (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA What the hell. XD)

What is your hobby/interest?
Dive to Blue - Laruku ("Atarashii sekai wo sagasou.." Yes! XD)

What is your biggest fear?
STARDUST - NewS (Er...I don't know what to say to this hehe)

What is your biggest secret?
Dreamer - Miho Fukuhara (That's not a secret. XD)

What do you think of your friends?
Wilds of my heart - KAT-TUN (LOL so true)

What will you post this as?
Hello - Flumpool

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Things are easier said than done

2009-06-23T20:54:00.016+08:00

I've never been fond of making new year's resolutions. One, because during Christmas-New Year holidays I'm always too lazy to do anything other than eat and laze around the house and won't even bother with the gift-giving and celebrations and other whatnots if I can get away with it (which, unfortunately, I can't - and I always find socializing with a tireless stream of people, even relatives, a REAL pain in the ass). Two, because I honestly cannot feel the difference between December of the previous year and January of the new year - I just know it's the holidays, there's no work (or school, as was the case until 3 years ago), it's cold in the mornings and it's an opportunity to oversleep before life resumes it hectic, monotonous pace.
Three, because I honestly think that everyday is just a day after the day before and anyone can start doing anything anytime. Four (yes, I can make a lot of reasons about everything if provoked) because the typical new year's resolutions are about losing weight or saving more money or quitting certain vices, all of which I don't have (unless you count procrastination as a vice). And lastly, because I know I won't be able to stick to my resolutions if ever I decide to make any.

But this time, I think I need to make a list. I know it's already waaaaaay overdue at this time, but I just gained another year yesterday and realized that I haven't exactly been doing anything with my "start a new life in Tokyo campaign", aside from cleaning out my blogs and friends list in various social networks, organizing my books and selling those I don't want to read anymore, throwing out gazillions of garbage (i.e., old papers, notebooks, letters, magazines and other whatnots) and clearing out my cellphone inbox. So while I was trying to beat off my insomnia last night (or this morning, seeing that I went to bed at past 12am already), I thought that I seriously need to change several things.

So now, without further ado, I present my birthday resolutions:

1. Stop using Tagalog cuss words. Now, why did I specify Tagalog ones? One, (here we go again with the list...sorry, can't help it) because they're the ones I knew and used the most. (I sometimes use English ones like fu** or sh**, but very rarely. I usually resort to made-up ones like "shoot!" or "crap!", though I'm also prone to using "damn" and "bloody [hell]"). Two, because they sound really bad, very unladylike and totally immature. And three, because I'm starting to cut out on my Tagalog usage to improve in spoken English (I've always found written English a whole lot easier) and hopefully, Japanese.

2. Regain my Rukawa-like temperament. To those who don't know, Rukawa Kaede is a main character in the Slam Dunk manga and anime, distinguished as quiet, cold, quite indifferent, a bit intimidating and extremely anti-social. Except for his basketball talents, subtle-and-not-so-subtle arrogance, mind-boggling popularity and tendency to get into fights, I was his female counterpart, especially back in high school.

When I entered the corporate world, I had to try to appear normal and try to get along with people - like a typical, enthusiastic yuppie who participates in company activities and hang out with colleagues after office. Well, as I'm home right now, with 3 blogs open all at the same time (I won't be crossposting anymore though) and a story to edit later, and wearing pyjamas to boot, I need not say that I failed in that yuppie quest...and that I have no desire to try again. Well, I tried and actually did get along with people in the corporate world (I even made friends from all the companies I came from, like Min XD), but I hated company activies (except for the food) and having to force myself to socialize just so I wouldn't offend anyone or be called a killjoy. I just wanted to eat lunch, go home or go to a bookstore after work - alone - or hang out with friends outside work. Now, it's not like I'm that anti-social (really, I'm not *blink blink blink, nod nod nod*) or that I actually enjoyed being able to scare people off with a Rukawa attitude, but most of the times, I just want some quiet, alone time and not talk to people when I bloody heck don't want to. I'm an introvert, and I'm so bloody tired of pretending otherwise.

3. Have more patience and retain a cool head as much as I can. Yes, I know. Patience is a virtue...that I don't have. But believe it or not, I'm really not one to easily snap. I have very few pet peeves - noise, lateness, hot weather, lack of personal space when everyone's home, being talked to when I just woke up (and still barely awake...well c'mon...!), being told or asked something over and over and over and over again - and I'm actually the type to suffer in silence because I know that the person on the other end will be hurt when I snap and lash out (most prolly just verbally, but I am sometimes prone to evil thoughts once in a while, like breaking the next door's neighbors' window with a freakin' rock). But sometimes I just do. I snap and lash out, and I feel bad afterward.

4. Avoid too much sentimentality. *nod nod nod*

5. Avoid too much procrastination. Sure!...

Tomorrow.

Heh just kidding. I shall try, I promise.

6. Be more active mentally and physically. I know I will be able to accomplish this once I get to Tokyo, but I figured I might as well start as early as now (actually, I should have started as early as 3 months ago, but anyway...)

7. Write again...and finish what I'm going to write. I'm currently editing a friend's story and I'm hoping I'll be able to write again on my own soon. And finish even just one story. Just one. XD

8. Be independent. Yes! Tokyo = Freedom.

9. Start cooking. I have to stop watching cooking shows long enough to actually cook.

10. Save. Right now I'm still broke, so I'll just start when I get there.

I seem to have forgotten a couple of items I had originally thought of this morning, so I just improvised some of this, but still, it's a nice list, yes? And as the title warns, things are easier said than done, so I might have simply wasted my time making them up in the first place (especially since I'm supposed to be doing my editing assignment now). But c'mon. Cut me some slack. It was my birthday yesterday.

+ + +

I've changed the theme and the title of my blog from "Kaeru Basho" to "Somewhere A Band Is Playing", as inspired by a novella by the brilliant Ray Bradbury. I was only able to read it just now and I found out it has a wickedly interesting story and an awesome amount of brilliant quotable lines. ["Because? That's one of the finest reasons in the world. Leaves lots of room for decisions."] Okaeri is still my most favorite Ayaka song, and it's still the inspiration for the resurrection of this blog, but I don't want to pretend that I'm good in Japanese, so I changed it. XD

+ + +

And I still don't know to whom I'm saying this to, but it was my birthday yesterday after all.

And I wish you were here.

Yes. Bad habits die hard.

+ + +

Yes, it was my birthday yesterday, but really what's the fuss? Aside from summer season, this is the time of year that I just want to pass through. When people greet me happy birthday, they expect me to be just that - happy. I'm not saying that I'm not. But I've long since understood that nothing special is bound to happen just because it's my birthday, so do forgive me if I didn't hop around with sunshine and daisies. It's just a day after yesterday and before tomorrow - just like any other.

But thank you Lord. I'm still alive. And my journey will start soon. =)

And thank you lots for those who greeted. No one bought me ice cream, but yes, I was happy yesterday. =)

LOL. XD

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Things did change. And some friends did leave. And life certainly didn't stop. But as the title warns, things are easier said done. And sometimes, I still miss some.

A place to return to

2009-06-19T22:10:00.023+08:00

That is the best translation I could come up with for "kaeru basho", based on a line from the chorus of Ayaka's song "Okaeri".

Okaeri, I'm home
Hitogoto de mitasareru kokoro
Okaeri, sweet home
Kaeru bashou yeah
Ai o arigatou

[Welcome home, I'm home
With one word my heart is satisfied
Welcome home, sweet home
A place to go home to (yeah)
Thanks for your love
Sweet home]

["Kaeru" means "to return", "to go back", or "to come back", and can be used for going or coming home. "Basho" means place. "Okaeri" means "welcome back" or "welcome home".]

Okaeri is one of Ayaka's most beautiful songs and it has been my constant LSS culprit for the last several weeks ever since I had finished watching Zettai Kareshi, the live action drama based on the original manga by Yuu Watase. And I know I'm getting off topic here, but I just have to plug the dorama because aside from Hiro Mizushima (which is, c'mon, enough reason to watch it), it also starred Hayami Mokomichi, who, by the way, is not just tall, dark and handsome, but also a half-Filipino to boot. He played Tenjo Night (pronounced - and apparently spelled in Katakana - as "Naito"), "the perfect male humanoid programmed to be devoted and completely loyal to his lover". LOL. I KNOW. It's crazy and funny. And Naito's "Ore...sexy?" moments are simply EPIC. (He would pronounce "sexy" as "shekshi" with a matching flexing of the muscles and a ridiculious grin.) XD

Well, ok. Back to topic. XD So, I'd been wanting to change my layout for ages because 1) the darkness of my previous layout creep people out (myself included) and 2) I'm leaving for Tokyo soon. Now, how soon is soon, I have no idea (soon, I hope -_-), but I had figured that I most prolly won't be able to buy a laptop right away when I get there, not to mention that I prolly won't have the time once classes and work start, so I decided to do it while I'm still at home with full reign on the computer and a lot of time and graphic resources in my hands. Also, some people had started complaining that the morbid darkness of the layout was already getting to them, and then I realized that it was getting to me as well (not to mention that the ridiculous small fonts made my eyes hurt) so I decided it was high time to do something about it.

To be honest, I made that Broken violet-black layout back in 2006, during my dark-angel-goth-fascination phase which I passed through fast enough. I simply became too lazy to make something else, especially since it was the most complicated layout I was able to code at the time, so I used it. And since I had also passed through a dark phase back in 2007 when I became sick and pathetic, I thought the colors suited the equally dark, pathetic posts. But ever since I decided to go to Tokyo and "start with a clean slate", I deleted all those pathetic posts (reducing my archive posts to half, I think) and thought of starting anew. Thank heavens I didn't delete this whole blog, though, as was my original plan. Not only did Blogger update its layout options for newly-created blogs that could have limited my code customization ideas, but I also realized that I want to keep something as familiar as this even if I "move on".

I moved here in 2005 after discarding my very first blog in Blogdrive (I loathed the banner ads there with a passion) and although, as I had already mentioned, I had deleted some of my past posts from here, this blog still contains memories of some of my college days, my first job, my first (and hopefully last) dark phase that challenged even the most basic foundation of my faith - simply, this blog contains bits and pieces of my life. Like my beloved family home, this my bedlam and my sanctuary. This is where I can run to to hide from the big, bad world and lick my wounds. This is where I can pour out my soul, where I can used every damn cuss word I want when I'm pissed, cry my heart out when I'm in pain, laugh my head off when I'm happy, and dream big dreams and actually believe they will come true. This is where I can talk to myself. This is where I can talk when no one else would listen. And now that I will soon go out there to try my own wings and carve my own path, this is where I can always come back to when I feel homesick and want to hide from the big, bad world and once again believe that dreams come true. It may not be the same as going home to my mother (plane tickets to and from Tokyo are so damn expensive LOL), but this is where I can murder laws of grammar or abuse my Onion Head emoticons or write very vague, bad poetry... and actually feel good afterward.